9 Self-Serving Holidays Corporations Should Invent

July 15th was Amazon Prime Day, a holiday invented by a giant company that doesn’t like sharing Black Friday, so it created one for itself. Which got us thinking: why don’t all the world’s biggest corporations get in on the money-raking action? Here, we’ll get you started…

1. Wal-Mart Rollback Day

This glorious holiday is celebrated with an electric scooter relay race, free hot dogs for anyone willing to declare their public hatred for a living wage, and a 99%-off discount for any product not made in China.

2. Seaworld Splash Day

Free admission for anyone wearing a “Animals Love It At Seaworld” t-shirt. If you buy 5 Shamu plush souvenirs, you can get your picture taken with the least depressed dolphin (happy dolphin not guaranteed).

3. BP’s Annual Super Spill

Held each year on the Gulf Coast, at this event oil enthusiasts can experience the thrill of revving car engines unnecessarily, washing oil off a baby duck, and kids can splash around in a simulated petroleum geyser.

4. McDonald’s McDay

Anyone willing to legally add a “Mc” to their last name gets free Big Macs for life. The day will also be celebrated with a chicken nugget eating contest. Whoever goes the longest without vomiting gets ANY SIZE drink for only $1!

5. Fox News Appreciation Day

The network celebrates by reporting only real news for 24 hours. Viewership will inevitably decline by 99% and the event will be canceled in future years.

6. Abercrombie & Fitch Size Zero Day

Shirtless guys with tape measures will be stationed outside every store location. Those confirmed to be a size zero get 5% off their entire purchase and a free spritz of cologne.

7. Concert for Comcast Cable Day

Sign a 10-year cable contract at this epic event and you’ll get HBO and Showtime free for 1 week! Other attractions include free “See How Slow Your Internet Is Today” tests and a simulated customer service call booth — the person who goes the longest without swearing wins a DVD copy of Paul Blart Mall Cop.

8. Bank of America Bonanza

The main attraction is a raffle in which you can win a free “Do Not Foreclose On Me” certificate. Lesser raffle prizes include “Give Me One More Month” and “Shave 2% Off My Ridiculous Interest Rate” coupons.

9. Facebook Virtual Field Day

Attendees get a beta invitation to Facebook’s super secret new Timeline design in exchange for their bank account password and children’s mortal souls.

9 Self-Serving Holidays Corporations Should Invent


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