9 Struggles The Internet Made Sure We’ll Never Deal With Again

The internet is the greatest invention of all time (second only to peanut butter brownies) and a merciless destroyer. Which is a good thing, because it made sure that we never have to deal with this crap for the rest of our lives.

Phone Books

Want to find a plumber? Pizzeria? The phone number for a movie theater, which you would then have to call, and wait to hear a recording say the movie times like some kind of savage? Or maybe you were prank calling random people in your neighborhood? It used to be that you’d have to thumb through this giant tome of local data to get your information. Although these monstrosities are still in print, no one ever uses them, except to demonstrate feats of lower-arm and hand-grip strength.

Porno Mags

Porn is credited as the main reason why the internet grew and was adopted so quickly. Now it’s hard to imagine people getting their fix for smut without cracking open their laptop, or quickly turning the volume down on their smartphone before the video loads as they hold their breath in a bathroom stall.

Being stuck in a video game.

If you didn’t know what the hell to do in a Zelda dungeon, or which order to beat the bosses in Mega Man 2, you were pretty much screwed — unless you were able to get your hands on a strategy guide. Nowadays, any tip you could ever want, including glitches the video game publishers never knew existed in the game, are available online. So you don’t need to invite the neighborhood game maven over for dinner, hoping he’ll show you how to get the frog suit inSuper Mario Bros. 3.

Music CDs, tapes and boom boxes

Most portable CD players were useless when it came to jogging, and if you tried hooking it up to your tape deck via a weird wired adapter, you better hope that you didn’t hit a pothole because they would skip like an elementary school girl during recess. Paying $18 for an album that probably only had two decent songs on it was always fun, too.

Blockbuster Video

Technically we can blame Netflix for this one, even though they tried to partner with the video rental mega-giant years back and were laughed out of the meeting room. But having to walk through aisles of movies, hoping a new release was in stock, or paying enough late fees to own a movie three times over is something we’re glad the internet destroyed. Sit and spin, Blockbuster. Sit and freaking spin.

“Music” Television

Do you miss waiting for MTV to play a music video in between four hour blocks of The Real World? Remember how awesome it was to pay more for MTV2 and then have that station get flooded with Road Rules reruns soon after? Yeah, it totally sucks that the internet put a stop to that. Shucks.

Hardcover encyclopedias.

An entire Encyclopedia Britannica set consisted of 32 huge hardcover books that gave brief histories on a wide range of topics in alphabetical order. It cost an arm and a leg, not to mention lots of the information in the texts would be outdated, so you were left with some sections that were worse than useless. Also, copying and pasting from a physical text for your research papers was way harder. It was harder to catch plagiarism back in the day, however, so that’s one plus.

Cable TV (almost)

Again, we have net TV services like Netflix to thank for the downfall of cable television. It was only a matter of time before people were going to stop paying $100 a month for a bunch of channels they would never watch of their own accord. It’s also only a matter of time until it’s gone for good.

Fax Machines

OK, so technically that’s a copy machine in the above GIF, but we wish we could gang-attack them all the same. Since the advent of email, fax machines have all but shifted off of this mortal coil. Sure, you’ll have the odd, horribly outdated government office that requires you to fax them something, but there are plenty of free online services that let you send faxes through the wonderful web. Faxes suck.




Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

More Boobs - Less Politics ​​

And Now... A Few Links From Our Sponsors