If you’re taking boudoir advice from Cosmo, Men’s Health, or any magazine at all, there’s a reason you’re still single. Modern mags are stuffed with hilariously awful sex tips, but, to be fair, they’re just following in their ancestors’ footsteps. Long before Carrie Bradshaw wannabes were telling you the wrong things to lick, the authors of The Book of Nature, What a Young Wife Ought to Know, Sane Sex Life and Sane Living, and more were doing their part to ruin sex for everyone. Trace the history of horrifying bedroom advice from 1680 to present with our handy guide below. Then solemnly vow never to do these things to another person.

Charge at your partner with a boner

The School of Venus, or the Ladies Delight Reduced into Rules of Practice by Anonymous, 1680
“In the day time he often makes me stoop down with my head almost between my Legs, throwing my Coats backwards over my Head, he considers me in that posture, and having secured the Door that we are not surprised, and makes a sign with his Finger that I stir not from this posture, then he runs at me with a standing Prick, and Fucks me briskly, and hath often protested to me he takes more pleasure this way than any other.”


Master your “sexual nature” by avoiding theater and the round dance

What a Young Husband Ought to Know by Sylvanus Stall, 1897
“The proper mastery of your sexual nature will be worth all it costs… Do not simulate impure thinking by theatre-going, the reading of salacious books, participation in the round dance, the presence of nude statuary and suggestive pictures; avoid such bodily exposure and postures as mar the modesty of both man and woman; keep reasonable and regular hours, and remember that all these things tend only to enervate and exhaust your wife and to rob and wrong you of the best there is in store for you.”

Eat a donut off your partner’s dick

Cosmopolitan, 2012
“Gently stick his penis through the hole then nibble around it, stopping to suck him once in a while. The sugary texture of your tongue will add an interesting new dimension.”



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