This App Dares To Tell You How Attractive You Are


As if you needed any more evidence that the internet is waging a relentless war against your self-esteem, the Swiss dating app Blinq joined forces with scientific researchers at Zurich’s Computer Vision Lab to calculate the hotness users brave enough to upload photos to this site. According to the site copy, the researchers harness “artificial intelligence” to rate the attractiveness and age of users on the site. The pool from which they’ve culled their data is of all users of the Tinder-like app Blinq, so mainly people from Switzerland. That does kind of fuck up the curve a bit.

“Attractiveness is highly subjective and its perception differs from culture to culture,” read the site’s disclaimer. “Have fun and don’t take the results too seriously.”

Once your picture is uploaded, the site interprets the data along a qualitative scale ranging from “Hmmm…” to “Nice” all the way up to “Godlike.” Here’s how the results look for the site’s blonde model.

Congratulations, lady. A skinny, blonde Swiss woman was deemed “stunning.” In other news, water is wet.

I decided to test out the feature using some photos littering my computer’s desktop. The first one I opened was of actor Fisher Stevens (don’t ask).

Here’s how he ranked on the site.

Not bad. Also, Fisher Stevens is 52, so the site was pretty close as to determining his age.

Next, I tried a guy that generations of people thirsted over, Empire-era Harrison Ford.

According to Swiss scientists, late-70s Harrison Ford is equally as hot as current day Fisher Stevens.

Naturally, I had to see how my first childhood crush Luke Skywalker fell on the scale.

Young Mark Hamill. Late 30s-sh Harrison Ford. Fifty-two-year-old Fisher Stevens. All equally hot.

As if poor Carrie Fisher hasn’t been disparaged enough by internet trolls over her appearance, this app dealt the unkindest blow of all. As far as Swiss scientists are concerned, George Lucas should have filmed the original trilogy with a bag over Fisher’s head.

Cruel! And inaccurate! Plus, Fisher was in her early 20s when Empire was filming, so this app significantly ages her.

I wanted to veer away from Star Wars for a minute and upload a photo of an undeniable hottie, Idris Elba.

According to “artificial intelligence,” Elba is one rung above uggo. Get the fuck out of here. However, Elba is in his 40s and the site does place him as younger, so there’s that silver lining.

You’re probably wondering if this app was kind to anyone in the Star Wars universe, and I’m pleased to report that Oscar Isaac passed with flying colors.

I personally would have gone with “Godlike” myself, but the app did knock a few years off of Isaac’s age.

It’s worth noting that if you try and upload a photo of Admiral Ackbar, the app tells you that it can’t detect a face. Rude.

All in all, the hotness algorithm sounds about as subjective as the halcyon early-2000s Hot or Not days.




This App Dares To Tell You How Attractive You Are

2 replies on “This App Dares To Tell You How Attractive You Are”

“hey there’s a bunch of dead hookers in that guys trunk”

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