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Whether it’s the constant getting up to use the bathroom, passing gas or general nightmares that you get in the middle of the night keeping you awake, there are a number of food culprits that can cause a bad bedtime experience. Cut these out of your heinous pre-hibernation routine, and you’ll be sleeping like a baby. Unless, of course, you have an actual baby. Then, you’re probably not sleeping at all and can eat whatever the hell gets you through your life.

Ice Cream
Bad Bedtime Foods
We’re all guilty of tiptoeing through the kitchen past our bedtime to get our grubby paws on some filthy good ice cream, but we’re here to tell you it’s just a double scoop of fat in a cup. Obviously the lactose intolerant will agree with us, but anybody putting that amount of slowly digesting sugar and fat content in their body when it’s trying to take some time off will find the following day a bit sluggish and the work pants a little tighter. So stay away from the cream that is iced, especially coffee-flavored, which is only good if you like waking up in a panic in the middle of the night like a newbie mother with a litter that needs wiping.

Popcorn & Soda
Bad Bedtime Foods
Popcorn and soda, the American movie-watching dream, is the empty calorie catastrophe you see coming, yet still lovingly embrace every time you sit down to watch a little Keanu Reeves. Every time you sit down to watch Keanu Reeves with lots of badass goodness.

Where were we? Popcorn, mainly of the microwavable variety, has a tendency to be pasted with the lovable fats and cheese-butter chemicals that taste good going in but feel like dead and empty plagues of the stomach in no time. If you eat popcorn on an empty stomach before bed, there’s a good chance you’ll have daydreams of hating yourself. And soda, well, we all know that’s a bad idea. You wouldn’t give a kid one before bed, would you? And you’re barely past being a kid yourself.

Chocolate & Candy Bars
Bad Bedtime Foods
These are the things nightmares are made of. No, really. The sugars in candy bars, whether fun-size or family pack, are the kinds of sugars linked to the same brain waves of nightmares. It’s not guaranteed, but you’ll likely find it difficult to sleep the whole night through and feel lethargic the following day. There’s always the possibility a giant candy bar will come into your home and eat your entire family, laughing with irony until you wake up. That’s assuming it’s a nightmare and not real life, of course.

And chocolate itself — dark, especially — has traces of caffeine that could make it tough to get to sleep in general. Not only that, but it leaves your mouth a cavity-ready mess. Ashy Oreo film coating your previously pearly whites is something no one will ever want to sleep next to.

Red Meat
Bad Bedtime Food
The healthy fats and proteins of red meat are excusable for meat lovers, but chowing on a chunk of leftover meat before bed will keep the body working overtime through the night. This leads to lovely things like cramping, bloating and gas, which your sleeping partner will likely not enjoy. If you’re with someone who’s into that and you don’t mind a little tummy ache in the middle of the night, be our guest. Either way, try to avoid the processed kinds of red meats, day or night, for a happy life and happy wife. If you’re starved for meat, try turkey. It’s got the tryptophan, and that will knock you out cold in a matter of minutes, and with less weight-gaining properties compared to red meat.

Breads & Bagels
Bad Bedtime Foods
It’s true, bread does make a lot of people sleepy, but you don’t want loads of yeast-coated carbs in your gut right before bed. If you’re trying to lose weight, a sandwich before bed is probably not going to get you there, likely because bread doesn’t always quench your appetite or digest properly as when you’re actively burning it off. The sugar in some breads will also make it tough to sleep, but bread any time of the day is going to have its drawbacks. Best you find yourself a bread substitute.

Pizza
Bad Bedtime Food
Say it isn’t so! Sorry, but it is. Let’s break is down. The crust is full of that bread we just spoke about. The tomato sauce is acidic and can cause acid reflux in the night. The cheese is a dairy that, like ice cream, has fat that takes time to digest but adds to your belt line. And the toppings, especially greasy ones like pepperoni and bacon, can do a number on people who easily get heartburn. Throw in a beer with that pizza before bed, and though you’ll enjoy every moment of it, you’ll be swimming in sorrow by mid-slumber.

Fruit-Flavored Yogurt
Bad Bedtime Foods
Fruit-flavored yogurt is good for little else than loads of sugar and a plump muffin top. It would be more advantageous to try a healthy Greek yogurt with a moderate amount of fresh fruit. Too much of anything before bed is going to cause your body to jump through hoops, something most of us don’t want to do even when we’re awake. Try a few blueberries, bananas or cherries, which have been known to improve sleep duration. Try that before bed and wake up refreshed instead of sluggishly slamming into countertops at work, propping yourself up on your elbows at your desk.

Sugary Cereals
Bad Bedtime Foods
Two scoops of sugary cereals will equal one night of bad sleep. If you’re handling healthy cereals with whole grains and a small amount of fruit, you should be fine. But the sugary brands are the ones that will give you a not-so-grrrrreat night of dreams and high blood sugar levels, especially if you can casually eat a whole box in one sitting. So before you go to sleepy town, just get on the whole grain train or find yourself something else to munch on.

Chips
Bad Bedtime Foods
Aside from crumbs in the folds of your sheets, chips are also the ultimate snack food that provide zero health benefits. Filler foods, or empty calories, are things you love to eat that don’t love you back, yet you do so in abundance when some little filly breaks your heart or the horror flicks you watch ramp up after you’ve already bitten off all your fingernails. Just stop eating them. Just no!

Celery
Bad Bedtime Foods
One of those foods that’s normally good for you in the day is not so great for you at night. Celery is generally people’s healthy alternative to everything in this list, but the irony is that it’ll get you in its own fun, little way. Celery is a diuretic and will keep your bladder in full force throughout the night. It’s either that or pissing the bed. So avoid celery in the evening, or get used to changing the sheets, pissing like you live in a nursing home and sleeping alone for the rest of your miserable days.

Extra: Alcohol
Bad Bedtime Food

 

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