THE BIGGEST OBJECTS EVER SMUGGLED UP ASSES
100 Bags of Heroin
Rasoul Speight was a Bloods gang member out of New Jersey. In February 2013, he and his crony were pulled over by cops. They searched his car and found nothing, but took him in because he had outstanding warrants. Drum roll please…a grand total of 100 bags of heroin were seized from this gangsta’s bum. You got the juice now, homie.
Phone and Two Hands-Free Kits
S. Siripala was talking to a friend in his prison cell one night when security guards came in for a surprise check. With lightning-quick reflexes, he stuffed his cell phone and two hands-free kits in his asshole. Everything was chill until his buddy called back.
“Ring, ring.” It alerted the Sri Lankan prison guards — there will be a few Sri Lankan people on this list, and I apologize to our Sri Lankan readers for singling you out, but gosh, there’s a lot of butt smuggling going on in your country — who beat his ass when they heard the call. Siripala was writhing in pain, so they decided to take him to the hospital. According to a source, the 58-year-old stopped, stood there and said, “Sir, sir, please give me a moment.” He coughed and wriggled, and the mobile equipment fell from his bung.
Two Cell Phones, Two Batteries, One Pair of Pliers, Two Drill Bits, Eight Small Hacksaws, Five Nails and Three SIM Cards
Twenty-three objects. Aisle seven at Ace Hardware. A personal toolbox for the DIY enthusiast. A man named Andre Silva de Jesus was reportedly visiting a Brazilian prison to “meet a friend” when guards noticed that he was nervous. Nervous is impressive; shitting literal razor blades is expected. So they quarantined the 35-year-old wizard and presumably cleaned everything before they snapped the above photo. We hope.
A Pound of Gold
As it is with every case that has to do with shoving something up your ass, officials at Bandaranaike International Airport in Sri Lanka noticed a man “walking suspiciously.” Of course, he had gold bars in his rectum, totaling $13,932. The 42-year-old was just one of 70 people arrested in Sri Lanka for the exact same thing in 2015 (they were headed to India, where it’s profitable to sell gold smuggled from neighboring countries).
A Half-Pound of Meth
The tweets stopped on July 16, and so did his career as a gay porn star. British actor Bruno Knight wasarrested for trying to take three bags of meth from LAX to London in 2014. They noticed he was acting erratic and sweating through his mesh top (we assume it was mesh), and he confessed that he indeed smuggled poopy-flavored meth in his professional bottom.
He was sentenced to two years after revealing to authorities that he is HIV positive and intended to distribute. On a side note, according to his bio on Al’s Gay Porn Stars, Knight was into “leather, fisting, water sports, S&M and more vanilla activities between the sheets.” Hey, I’m into water sports, too! To end out this detail-heavy story, he also once played an airport security agent who searches for drugs in the 2011 porno hit “Security Control.”
A Loaded Derringer Pistol
Prison is a scary place where you’re forced to prove your cojones and physical prowess. Mark Gregory Valadez would boast his strength in a different way — by squeezing a loaded gun in his shitter. No, literally, he was caught because he bragged about it to other inmates. Authorities said that he managed to skip a metal detector due to the sheer volume of people being invited to jail on that particular weekend. “A pat-down will not reveal a Derringer firearm that is secreted in a body cavity,” officials stated. He was hospitalized and charged with possessing contraband in a penal institution. The mugshot says it all: “What? It’s prison, bro.”
A Kyocera Cell Phone, an MP3 Player, Ear Bud Headphones, Marijuana, Tobacco and $140
After removing this front-display Sharper Image stock from his crack, corrections officers asked 29-year-old Earl Lee Vogt if he was in pain. “My ass is bleeding,” he replied. In 2011, Vogt successfully butt-smuggled several objects into his cell in a Lake County jail, but guards would smell marijuana emanating from his quarters. They discovered these items and presumed they were imported via ass. It is unclear whether they also found the Lost City of Atlantis there, too.
A 10-Inch Gun
Master of deception Michael Leon Ward was arrested in January 2012 after cops found drugs and paraphernalia in his car during a traffic stop. He acted quickly, and hid something more incriminating. The 22-year-old Georgia resident passed a strip search and even a “squat and cough,” but the cops couldn’t find a thing.
Upon cell inspection, they found a .38 revolver in the toilet, which Ward said belonged to another inmate trying to kill him. They realized he smuggled the 10-inch gun with a six-inch barrel into jail, possibly because it smelled funny. He was charged with smuggling contraband. One has to wonder whether this was just forward-thinking on his part knowing he would go to that land of Sodom and Gomorrah we all know as maximum security.
A Buttload of Booty Including Four Bracelets, Four Necklaces, 11 Rings, a Socket Wrench and a Bag of Synthetic Marijuana
Teenager Christopher Scheller was going through an angsty period in December 2013. He had recently robbed a home and gotten in his car drunk, eventually hitting a tree. When cops arrived to the wreckage, things would get a bit more angsty for young Chris. The 18-year-old hid everything he had stolen from the home. Trouble is, he was due for an X-ray having been recently involved in a violent crash. The doctors noticed an “abnormality” within his colon. He was charged with theft and DUI.
A Pound of Explosives
On February 3, 2009, Abdullah Hassan al-Asiri was deemed one of the world’s most wanted terror suspects. In August of the same year, he had a change of heart, and decided he wanted to turn himself into Saudi Arabia’s terrorist rehabilitation program under one condition: The country’s Deputy Minister of the Interior, Muhammad bin Nayef, would have to meet with him face-to-face.
And so they met. Little did the prince’s security detail know, for 24 hours no less, that al-Asiri had implanted a pound of PETN plastic explosives in his rectum. In this NSFW video, you can see him walking around apparently in distress, in pain, wondering when that mobile detonator would go off to put him out of his misery. It did. But his mark survived, with barely any injuries. “I did not want him to be searched, but he surprised me by blowing himself up,” Prince bin Nayef said. It’s sad, but tragically hilarious in this case, that a high-ranking member of Saudi royalty would be so blasé about a suicide bombing attempt on his life.