Everyone loves a good old-fashioned feud, especially between funny people (they tend to be pretty good at dishing out comebacks). While there have been many well documented clashes between comedians through the years ranging from accusations of joke stealing to flat out disdain for each other, one thing always remains the same: a winner is never chosen. By that, we simply mean that there is no authority out there to declare who emerged victorious in the end. Therefore, Chaostrophic has decided to take the task upon ourselves and declare who we feel came out on top once the dust settled. Let’s do this.

Michael Ian Black vs. Marc Maron
comedians feud showdown, michael ian black marc maron
We’ll start with the very public Twitter face-off between comedians Marc Maron and Michael Ian Black back in May 2013. Note that we are focusing on this particular back-and-forth and not the ongoing love-hate relationship between the two. While Black eventually went on to tell HuffPost Live that the spat was more or less all in good fun, taken for what it was, it was pretty petty on both men’s parts. However, in deciding a winner here (which is the name of the game), we thought that Maron came off slightly less pathetic, with Black overly boasting his successes. In the end, Maron basically just played good defense until bowing out due to third-party interference.

Verdict: Marc Maron

Joan Rivers vs. Chelsea Handler
comedians feud showdown, joan rivers chelsea handler
Speaking of petty, it doesn’t get more spiteful than accusing a fellow comedienne of basically sleeping her way to the top, especially when you work for the same network. Yet that didn’t stop veteran windbag Joan Rivers from doing just that back in 2012 in an interview with Howard Stern, saying of E! Network star Chelsea Handler “the girl made it on her back fucking the president.” Sure, the accusations against Handler were more or less true since she dated the CEO of Comcast Entertainment Group for four years, during which time she wound up with her own show, but you still shouldn’t say it. However, it was Handler who actually attacked first, prompting the feud in the first place. That aside, had both women simply apologized and buried the hatchet, we wouldn’t even be covering this fight. But since Rivers surprisingly had the good grace to attempt a reconciliation only to have Handler spit it back in her face, we now see who the true child was all along.

Verdict: Joan Rivers

Norm MacDonald vs. Chris Kattan
comedians feud showdown, norm macdonald chris kattan
Here we have a similar situation, but with different faces: two comedians, one network (and show for that matter), and a general lack of respect for the other. Between 1996 and 1998, Norm MacDonald and Chris Kattan worked together on a little show called “Saturday Night Live.” During this time, neither party was particularly fond of the other, culminating in MacDonald accusing Kattan of being both unfunny and gay during an interview with Rolling Stone, saying things like “He claims he’s not, but I’ve never seen, like, a guy who’s not gay seem so gay.” Kattan responded to the interview by calling MacDonald an asshole. Nothing too crazy, right? A year after MacDonald was let go, he returned to host the show. Noticeably absent from all sketches was Kattan, although it is said the two did share one together during dress rehearsal that was simply cut. Even though Kattan went on to make one last dig at MacDonald the very next episode during a trademark “Mango” sketch, we get the feeling from this recent interview with Jim Breuer that it was still chump change compared to what MacDonald was capable of. (Sidenote: Make time to watch the less abridged version of Breuer’s MacDonald/Kattan story at some point. It’s well worth it.)

Verdict: Norm MacDonald

Bill Murray vs. Chevy Chase
comedians feud showdown, bill murray chevy chase
Not to play favorites, but everyone knows that A) Bill Murray is the man and B) Chevy Chase is one of the biggest dickheads on the planet. So it should come as no shock that while hosting a second season episode of “SNL,” he and Murray wound up in a physical altercation just before going on air. According to Chase’s account in the show’s oral history book “Live from New York,” the fight stemmed from John Belushi “spreading some pretty apocryphal stories about [him] out of his jealousy or anger or whatever.” Murray, on the other hand, recalled that it was “because I was the new guy, and it was sort of like it was my job to do that. It would have been too petty for someone else to do it.” But if was Murray’s final words on the matter that not only sum up Chase in a nutshell, but also win him this showdown: “When you become famous, you’ve got like a year or two where you act like a real asshole. You can’t help yourself. It happens to everybody. You’ve got like two years to pull it together — or it’s permanent.”

Verdict: Bill Murray

Larry the Cable Guy vs. David Cross
comedians feud showdown, larry the cable guy david cross
Thank God the “Blue Collar Comedy Tour” days are behind us. Fortunately, even when they were in full swing, we had a champion in David Cross to point out just how dumb we all were for falling for it. After being profiled by Rolling Stone in his heyday, Dan Whitney (a.k.a. Larry the Cable Guy) took his first licking from the “Mr. Show” star when Cross pointed out that his routine was basically just “a lot of anti-gay, racist humor, which people like in America, all couched in ‘I’m telling it like it is.'” Of course, after Whitney took offense to this in his 2006 book”Git-R-Done” and said that “America’s sick of payin’ good money for a comedy show that only earns one laugh every 12 minutes because the comedian onstage is too busy demonstratin’ how much smarter he is than his audience,” Cross properly laid him to rest with this scathing open letter once and for all.

Verdict: David Cross

Denis Leary. vs. Louis C.K.
comedians feud showdown, denis leary louis ck
It’s kind of hard to trust someone like Denis Leary when his entire persona was largely (though debatably)plagiarized from deceased comedian Bill Hicks. We only mention that so you are up to speed going into this next bit of potential joke theft. Leary, who became famous for his 1992 comedy album “No Cure for Cancer,” also wrote the massively successful song “Asshole” on the very same album. Or so he claims. In 2008, Louis C.K. let slip that the song was strikingly similar to a bit he used to do back in the day while doing shows with Leary. While not necessarily damning considering he hasn’t done the bit in years once he realized Leary swiped it from him, the accusation certainly caught Leary’s attention enough for him to bring it up unprovoked during an interview with the very same talk radio show on which Louis spilled the beans. Anyone else see that as a sign of guilt? In any case, the fact that Louis has remained so calm about it for years and simply moved on because he knows he’s capable of new and better material makes this feud’s winner an easy decision.

Verdict: Louis C.K.

Carlos Mencia vs. Joe Rogan
comedians feud showdown, carlos mencia joe rogan
For the first time on our list, the winner was determined not by us, but an outside party. And that outside party was actually Carlos Mencia himself. Back in 2005, Joe Rogan began accusing Mencia of stealing jokes on his blog. In 2007, he even confronted the comedian face to face at The Comedy Store in a video that not only went viral, but wound up getting Rogan banned from the venue. He also left his agency soon after when they demanded he apologize to Mencia for calling him out (Mencia was repped by the same agency at the time). Rogan told Chicago Now that comedians Louis C.K. and Nick Swardson also left the agency when they heard that an apology had been requested. The final nail in the coffin which proved Mencia was indeed a thief came roughly a week after his confrontation with Rogan. During an interview with The Mikey Show, Mencia defended his honor in regards to the accusations against him. Sadly, he probably shouldn’t have been spouting off stolen jokes while doing it, because the hosts of the show called him out immediately after he left (around 6 minutes into the video). Fortunately, it made our job that much easier.

Verdict: Joe Rogan

Steve Harvey vs. Katt Williams
comedians feud showdown, steve harvey katt williams
As the old expression goes, “you wanted a fight, you got it.” Steve Harvey had clearly never heard such a phrase before agreeing to headline a comedy showdown between himself and relative newcomer Katt Williams back on New Year’s Eve 2008 at the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit, Michigan. Touted as the “Championship of Comedy,” you wouldn’t have known if from Harvey’s performance, as he didn’t even acknowledge the battle at hand and simply did a regular old comedy routine. Enter Katt Williams, who proceeded to hit the ground running, verbally pummeling the veteran comedian and “King of Comedy” so badly that most have described it as an hour-long attack with a few random jokes peppered throughout. So did Harvey then admit defeat? In a word, no. Instead, he apologized to his fans for the whole event, making it seem as if William’s behavior was somehow below him even though the bad blood between the two had been stewing for quite sometime prior to the whole ordeal. Sounds like sore loser talk to us.

Verdict: Katt Williams

Eddie Murphy vs. Bill Cosby
comedians feud showdown, eddie murphy bill cosby
What can we say, sometimes the new comic in town isn’t much interested in what the veteran has to say. That apparently goes tenfold for Eddie Murphy and his take on Bill Cosby calling him to say he shouldn’t use such foul language in his act. Considering Murphy voiced said opinion during his 1987 comedy special “RAW,” one of the most iconic stand-up routines of all time, there was bound to be a little bit of animosity between the two from then on. Sure enough, when the subject of Murphy came up in a 2007 interview with the Cos, he referred to his fellow standup as “a very nasty, nasty liar” and would later go on to say that his phone call to Murphy had never been about language, but arrogance. Long story short, as always, Cosby tried to take the high road. In the end, however, it was Murphy who would wind up smelling like roses. Due to the recent rape allegations against the former JELL-O pudding spokesman, the “Saturday Night Live: 40th Anniversary Special” granted Murphy the opportunity to again slam the aging comedian. He chose not to “kick a man when he’s down,” however, showing mercy to his already defeated rival.

Verdict: Eddie Murphy

Jay Leno vs. David Letterman
comedian feuds showdown, jay leno david letterman
Powerful men make powerful enemies, and no one knows that better than Jay Leno. His newest feud with fellow late night talk show host Conan O’Brien not withstanding, he’s basically been at odds with longtime competitor David Letterman since taking over “The Tonight Show” duties back in 1992. Letterman has never forgiven the underhanded methods Leno and company took to snake his rightful spot as the King of Late Night and it has been documented throughout their careers through books, movies, and, well, Lettermanhimself. So we feel the only way to really determine a winner would be to simply go to the ratings. However, there’s a fun twist. Leno’s final episode on February 6, 2014 brought in 14.64 million viewers, while Letterman’s this past May only brought in 13.76 million. Leno wins, right? Wrong. Technically, Leno only scored such high ratings because this was his second farewell due to the whole Conan debacle. His originally intended finale back on May 29, 2009 only brought in 11.9 million, way short of Letterman’s. Hence, a well-deserved upset for the ages.

Verdict: David Letterman



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