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Greenland Sharks Don’t Have Sex Until They’re 150 And Can Live To Be 500

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Last Thursday, the science world lost their minds over the published findings of Peter G. Bushnell, of the University of Indiana at South Bend, and his team of colleagues. To put it simply, the Greenland shark is the coolest shark to ever exist (sorry Hammerheads). Here’s why:

  • They’re old as fuck While Great Whites can live up to 90-years-old, Bushnell says with 95 percent certainty that the oldest Greenland shark they found was between 272 and 512-years-old. They’re guessing it lived to be about 390. So this shark was probably born in 1626, the same year as a Dutch guy purchased the island of Manhattan from Native Americans.
  • Scientists used signs of nuclear bomb testing to determine the sharks’ age To learn how old they are, scientists had to carbon date them to search for isotopes left behind from nuclear testing. Unlike other fish, Greenlands don’t have distinctive growth rings often used to measure life span.
  • They can get you drunk According to the Washington Post: “If caught and killed, the shark must be dried out before its meat can be eaten or given to sled dogs, as high quantities of toxins in the animal’s muscle cause something like drunkenness.”
  • They lose their virginity late in life Putting all the 40-year-old virgins to shame, the Greenland shark is believed to start having sex around age 150. What a nice long childhood these sharks get, ride it out!
  • Greenland sharks are totally chill Literally! They live in waters that are just above freezing. The cold temperatures and large body size give the sharks a slow metabolism, which is why they can live for so long.

The best part about Greenland sharks is that they’re not at risk for extinction, and nobody goes hunting for these guys, since they’re poisonous and what not. Let’s keep it that way and not fuck this one up, humans.

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