GROUP SEX: AN ETIQUETTE GUIDE FOR GENTLEMEN (AND LADIES!)

Orgies typically top the list of fantasies most men and women think about when it comes to challenging one’s own vanilla-ness. And who can blame them! It’s the answer to the world’s easiest math equation: if you can have fun with one person, the addition of another person makes the experience twice as fun.

Mm mm, math is sexy.

Getting into a threesome, foursome, or fivesome isn’t as easy as it sounds — plus, there’s no official handbook that teaches us what exactly we’re supposed to do when we’re in the middle of it.

To teach us all some valuable lessons in orgy etiquette, we talked to a couple of knowledgeable folks who are very well versed in the topic: legendary porn star Asa Akira, and two dudes who just really love group sex.

Broach the topic naturally

“You have to just bring it up or suggest it by seeing how open that person is while talking. You can tell when people are holding back and when they’re open it. It would be a huge risk to straight-up ask if they want to have a threesome. Some people who you would think are into it, might not be into it.” — Anonymous Orgy Enthusiast 1

“I always think the best way to see if your partner is into something you want to try, is to watch a porno of it together, and casually be like, ‘That looks cool, would you ever try that?’ It’s an easy way to bring it up, and easy to just graze right over if their answer is a no.” — Asa Akira

“It’s important to approach the topic like you would anything else with that person. If it’s a close friend, why not just go ahead and ask them outright. Worst-case scenario you’ll both get a good laugh out of it. If it’s someone you are just meeting, timing is everything. You definitely could endanger a new relationship, but then again, there are always more fish in the sea; fish willing to get down with a bunch of other fish at the same time.” —Anonymous Orgy Enthusiast 2

Prepare for the best (or worst)

“In my experience, it can be a plus or a minus if you do a lot of pre-planning. You don’t want to look like a complete idiot — on the minus side, you have no idea how everybody involved is going to approach it. You can plan most of your night and, when you get into it, it’s totally different than you planned.” — AOE 1

“I like to go in with an ‘anything can happen’ attitude. Rather than making guidelines for myself to contemplate breaking later, I’d rather just allow myself the luxury of making my mind up as I go. Whether I want to get gang-banged, fuck only girls, or just stand by and watch, might not be a decision I can make until once I’m there. This requires a certain amount of prep — I’ll clean my butt, watch what I eat, and drive my own car so that I’m not tied down to anything once I’m there.” — Asa

“Orgies are fun, but not a way to deal with/escape your issues. It’s important to check in with yourself before and make sure you aren’t unstable emotionally (i.e., too drunk, too high, too overwhelmed by personal struggles). If you aren’t feeling stable, DON’T ENGAGE. Otherwise, you could end up finishing early, crying, and sending at least one person home unsatisfied at 4am. That same person might also fall asleep on the train and wake up in Coney Island. You’ll feel embarrassed and bad.” — AOE 2

Never cheap out on a bed

“You can never know the time or the place… I had a situation where it was basically pre-discussed about everyone involved. I had a spare room… there was an IKEA bed in there — never ever cheap out on equipment — I’m a regular-sized dude, but my buddy is a 290lb body builder. We’re in the middle of it and my bed snaps in half completely. I fall off the damn thing and he keeps going… and then I looked at him and was like… really? Ten years later, I still send him links to new IKEA beds. Don’t cheap out on furnishings.” — AOE 1

“I made it work for years in a college dorm extra-long twin bed, playing body Tetris to fit multiple 5’10″+ people, even for overnight stays. It became an art and definitely helped everyone explore new positions. However, someone would always end up on the floor at some point, by choice or accident. It was only until I found the means to upgrade to a full that I realized that ‘art’ was vastly overrated.” — AOE 2

Know your audience

“I had this experience with myself and four girls. I had a friend in law school, four of his fellow students came with us. Everyone was super hyped up, because it was the end of the semester, and my buddy starts telling everyone how I’ve had a lot of experience. So, everybody goes back to my house. I knew something was going to happen, but I didn’t know who was in, and I just didn’t know what to talk about. No one was on the same page and we didn’t relate on any level. Stuff ended up happening, but I could tell that two of them saw right through me and knew that we had nothing in common. At least do some research, if you can, about the people you’re going to have sex with.” — AOE 1

Don’t expect a porn scene

“Unless it actually is a porn scene, obviously. The great thing about being in a porno orgy, is that there’s a director there to make sure everything flows smoothly. Just like how framing your husband for murder didn’t work out the way it did in Gone Girl, don’t expect your orgy to feel as seamless as it looked in Grand Theft Orgy 2. There’s 100% gonna be weird awkward moments, so get over it.” — Asa

“It never gets insane. At the end of the day, it never devolves into something you’d see out of Caligula.” — AOE 1

Definitely learn the language of the people involved

“I used to live abroad and got into a group thing — for some reason, I always get mixed up in these things — anyway, we’re all together and talking and my idiot self decided to throw in a phrase in their native tongue… while it was going on. I ended up using a completely wrong word, which ended up translating to ‘It would be really nice if you gave me cancer right now.’ The word was a homonym or something, luckily they kinda laughed… but it could have been the worst situation ever. That was the last time I tried doing that.” — AOE

“In fact, I’d go as far as saying that communication is the most important element for a successful orgy. Don’t be afraid to voice your likes and dislikes — odds are, the people you’re fucking aren’t mind readers. How are they supposed to know that you really, really love anal sex, but ONLY if you can start it off in reverse cowgirl? As long as you make your requests with a smile, it won’t come off as hostile, or like a complaint. You might feel weird about it at first, but the more you do it, the more natural it will feel, and the sooner you’re comfortable with it, the sooner you can start really having fun. No one is ever going to be like, “You know what? That orgy was a lot of fun, but it would’ve been way better if that one person were less expressive.'” — Asa

It’s OK to enjoy yourself

“The ultimate cliche of the ‘Eiffel Tower’ is totally worth it. I was in the Eiffel Tower formation, and we just looked at each other and were like… yup, let’s do it. I don’t think the girl in the middle even knew it was happening, because it was dark — but it’s fine to enjoy yourself when you’re in the heat of the moment. I definitely recommend it.” — AOE 1

“The best kind of sex is when you’re comfortable enough to laugh, because that’s when you’re open to trying new things with the possibility of failure. It only takes one person to set the tone for that kind of sex, so if it hasn’t happened yet, be that person! If you queef, laugh! If there’s something new you want to try, ask the group if they’re down to try! The best group sex I’ve ever had was when I fucked two of my guy friends, and we were comfortable enough with each other that when we got hungry, we took a break to order Chinese food and take a nap.” — Asa

“Quick, immediate orgy action is never as satisfying as something that starts off non-sexual. I much prefer getting to know people before we fuck. It makes everything much more relaxed and enjoyable as you all explore what each person is into and isn’t. Plus, good sex has a unique ability to create intimacy and closeness amongst near strangers. Because of that, the post-sex activities of playing video games or eating peanut butter Oreos together are almost more fun the the actual sex. Almost.” — AOE 2

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