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The Guy Who Played Barney The Dinosaur Now Gives Tantric Sex Lessons

 

I take no joy in absolutely decimating your childhood, here, but David Joyner, the guy who played Barney from 1991 to 2001, now runs a business helping people get to grips with tantric sex.

In an interview with Vice, published earlier today, Joyner opened up about his new career where he helps to ‘unblock’ his clients via a three to four-hour session costing $350 (£250).


Credit: PBS

For their money, his female-only clients are promised a ritual bath, chakra balancing and a massage – the massage can apparently lead to ‘mind blowing orgasms’. ‘Scuse me, while I nip away to vomit.

By the end of the session, the satisfied customer will have ‘released her blocked energy’ and be down $350 (£250), of course.

He’s been up and running as a tantra massage specialist and spiritual healer since 2004 and told the publication that his clients come from all over, including finding him on Tinder and through word-of-mouth.

I wonder if these women are aware that it’s Barney the bloody Dinosaur they’re seeing before they go?

Tantric sex has been around for years, but made its way into the public consciousness when Sting said he and his wife, Trudie, were big fans. According to the Source School of Tantra Yoga, it focusses on combing passion, love and consciousness to turn sex into a form of mediation. Sounds like a lot of hard work to me.

Joyner told Vice: “When the lingam [penis] and the yoni [vagina] meet, there’s a certain energy that takes place that hands on the body alone cannot create.”

Imagine a purple, dancing dinosaur saying that. Go on, imagine it. Weird, isn’t it? I can only assume when he’s giving his classes he leaves the suit at home.

And if that statement isn’t toe curling enough for you, then how about this other pearl of wisdom he shared with Vice?

“When you go down on a woman (orally), it should be just like you’re saying grace, like blessing the food you’re about to receive.” Amen.

If anyone needs me I’ll be rocking back and forth singing, “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family” over and over until this horrible feeling goes away.

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