Food Funny SEX

How Good You Are In Bed, According To How You Like Your Eggs

1. Over easy – Sloppy but effective.


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You’re messy as hell. Anyone who’s down to splay yolk all over their food is a little nasty, but that’s okay. You liven up all of the sex lives that you touch, literally. Most people find you irresistible, but some find you repulsive. That’s okay, though. You’re an acquired taste.

2. Scrambled – Immature but lovable.


Source: Giphy

Like your egg-y preference, you’re low key childish and simple. You really identify with Blink 182’s ‘What’s My Age Again’—when making out is on the table, you often turn on the T.V. This doesn’t make for the most mind-blowing sex of all time, but you’re dedicated and cute, so no one’s leaving your ass behind entirely. You could be more open to new things, but your general willingness to pay attention makes up for it.

3. Poached – Occasionally mind-blowing, predictably decent.


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You’re the most refined of all the options, like a high-class escort. Or, errr, like a high-class person in general, I guess. Just take it as a compliment: you’re skilled at sex, and slightly complicated. You’re like porn in real life. You deliver every single time, and sometimes you’re ahead of the curve, as compared to the person you’re getting naked with.

4. Sunny-side up – Charming, but leaves something to be desired.


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People who like sunny-side up eggs are the handjob equivalent of a sexual partner: adequate, but without any frills. Most of the time, you accomplish what anyone could have accomplished themselves. Sorry, boo. Pop open a kama sutra book or something.

5. Hard boiled – Marathon sex participant.


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Like, a ridiculous amount of time. Your stamina is unparalleled, much like the versatility of your chosen egg style. You can suit even the most insatiable person, truly an admirable trait. But you’re tough to please, and it’d serve you well to be…hardened? Sorry. Just guessing here.

6. In a nest of toast – The cozy cuddler.


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Your favorite part of sex is the afterglow. Aw! You’re so cute. You hate porn. You’d rather be held by someone than anything else, which is adorable, but some people just don’t wanna spoon. Your favorite positions are the ones where you’re all up in each other’s faces and kissing, so no super experimental stuff for you. Don’t try Tinder, there’s no one there for you.

7. Soft boiled – Unexpectedly mind-blowing.


Source: Giphy

Whenever someone bones you, they come back to their friends like, “Yo, you will never guess who I had the best sex of all time with.” And they won’t ever guess! You’re a sleeper hit, a rarely ordered dish who’s an unsuspected crowd-pleaser. Everyone will write home about that thing you do, and eventually everyone’s ex will be coming to you for the sloppy seconds that feel like a first. Congrats?



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