Here’s a mystery. Suddenly, there are pairs of dangly bits dangling from power lines all over Portland, Oregon.
In what may be the 11th Plague of Egypt, “hundreds” of brightly colored sex toys have been spotted dangling from power lines in Portland.
— Anne Sewell (@anners2008) July 14, 2015
It’s unclear what the meaning of the flying phalluses is or where, exactly, they came from. It could be a cheeky twist on the classic “pair of shoes thrown up into the power lines” thing, rumored to be a signal left by gangs or drug dealers. So maybe a dildo dealer in the neighborhood is advertising his or her wares or, more alarmingly, a dildo-wielding gang is telling rivals to back off their turf. Reuters had a reporter on the ground to take the pulse of the dildo-spectating public and determine whether these UFPs posed a threat:
The large white and bright orange dildos appear to have been strung together in pairs, and have prompted numerous reports to the Portland Office of Neighborhood Involvement, department spokeswoman Lisa Leddy said on Monday. A spokesman for public utility Portland General Electric said he did not believe the rubber products posed a fire hazard.
— kolkata24x7 (@kolkata24x7) July 14, 2015
I must say it was rather considerate of the pranksters – or an angry dildo deity who rained the toys upon the earth – to at least place them in pairs so they have some company. There’s nothing lonelier than a single dildo swinging in the breeze.
What accounts for the penisocalypse? No one seems to really know.
Are they always dual dildos so that no one has to use them alone, or are they just a rubbery homage to the pairs of sneakers you’d see on a normal city’s wires?
There are a few theories. It may be a clever penisular promotion for a local Dildorama.
Or possibly the stupidest attempt at recharging DD batteries?
If they are used, I’d say there’s a huge market for them in Japan.
At night, it’s a gallows effect, like they had it coming.
It’s comforting to note that at least Portland General Electric doesn’t think they pose a fire hazard. We’re still awaiting confirmation from the CDC.
Until the mystery is solved, these cryptic totems are whatever you want them to be… weathervanes or even meeting places. (Meet me under the dildos, Darla!)
Symbols of hope in a broken world.