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Just About Everyone is Uneasy Over This Video of Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina’s Attempt At Hand-Holding

 

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When Ted Cruz announced he’d chosen Carly Fiorina as his losing mate, I thrilled to think how much extra crazy she might cram into this already fun-packed election. Sure enough, no sooner had Cruz summoned her back to the campaign trail than she began delivering on that golden promise.

Exhibit A: At the very rally where he announced her as his “pick” for “VP,” Cruz and Fiorina raised their hands in a premature gesture of victory befitting their delusional state of mind. Only, something went wrong, and their hands struggled to find purchase on one another before settling into an awkward grasp. What happened?

1.) His palms were slick from sweat produced by constantly thinking about sex with rats.

2.) His palms were slick from sweat produced by constantly worrying someone will find proof he’s the Zodiac Killer.

3.) The code in his hand-holding program was buggy.

4.) Designers staffers forgot to set one of the candidates’ hand-holding programs to “submissive,” resulting in an incompatibility.

5.) They are both such egomaniacal fucks that each wanted the literal upper hand.

5 (a.) They hate each other.

6.) Fiorina, wanting to undermine Cruz’s campaign, flubbed it on purpose.

7.) Secret Satanic handshake.

Other theories set forth by Twitter include “alien in a skin suit” and “thumb war.”

 

Additional support for 5(a.) comes from this clip of Fiorina falling off the stage and “our next president” doing nothing to help her:

This will be fun.

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