After Losses, ISIS Begins Lowering Expectations About That Whole ‘Caliphate’ Thing

GettyImages-496532056-compressedLet’s say you slide into someone’s DMs after flirting via @-replies for a while. For once, the exchange is actually going good. They’re “lol”ing at your jokes. You send a wink emoji. To your utter amazement, they respond with eggplant and sweat emojis.

Wow. This never happens. They wanna meet up. This is great. Only one problem. They might be under the impression that you own a Lamborghini. And a $10 million dollar condo on the beach. And also that you’ve got, like, a really bangin’ bod. Unfortunately, you don’t have any of those things. You haven’t hit the gym in months, you ride an old 10-speed, and you share a one-bedroom with your weird cousin from the desert. Time to start lowering expectations.

That’s the position ISIS now finds itself in. After years of boasting and promising followers of their cause a caliphate — an area of land serving as a physical territory that would eventually serve as a global base of operations — ISIS leaders have been confronted with a series of ground losses that have them saying “Actually… we might have been a little overzealous with that whole ‘caliphate’ thing.”

According to The Washington Post, a series of communications, statements, and interviews from ISIS officials made during a period of significant failures on the battlefield are doing their damndest to take a positive spin while simultaneously acknowledging shit’s looking pretty bad.

Via The Post:

“While we see our core structure in Iraq and Syria under attack, we have been able to expand and have shifted some of our command, media and wealth structure to different countries,” a longtime Islamic State operative, speaking through an Internet-based audio service, said in an interview.

“We do have, every day, people reaching out and telling us they want to come to the caliphate,” said the operative, who agreed to speak to a Western journalist on the condition that his name and physical location not be revealed. “But we tell them to stay in their countries and rather wait to do something there.”

“A whole lot of people wanna join up, guys! Seriously! They’re just in other countries. You wouldn’t know them. We tell them, ‘Nah, we’re cool! Don’t want you to have to pay for the expensive plane ticket! You just chill and we’ll holler when we need ya.’”

Yeah, okay.


A report from consulting firm IHS Inc. shows that ISIS has lost 12 percent of the land it controls in Syria and Iraq in the first half of 2016. As ISIS soldiers retreat on multiple fronts, the group has had to issue editorials spinning the withdrawals as NBD and the possible loss of all their strongholds as just stuff going totally according to plan.

“The crusaders and their apostate clients are under the illusion that . . . they will be able to eliminate all of the Islamic State’s provinces at once, such that it will be completely wiped out and no trace of it will be left,” one editorial reads. “[Our enemies] will not be able to eliminate it by destroying one of its cities or besieging another of them, or by killing a soldier, an emir or an imam.”

In other words, “They might be able to shoot us. They might be able to blow us to smithereens. They might be able to take our lives. But there’s one thing they can’t take! Um, our porn? Oh no wait, they took that. Uh… let us get back to you.”

Source I Am bored

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