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Your Music Lyrics Guide To Sex (If You Happen To Need One)

miley-cyrus1

Whether we’re aware of it or not, we are CONSTANTLY bombarded with songs about sex. Whether by male rappers ranting about how overwhelmingly busy their sex lives are, and how it’s just so difficult to fight ‘em all off these days (ya know?), or by female artists telling men exactly where to go to push their buttons, it’s totally sex this, sex that in the charts these days.

intercourse

But what are all these songs ACTUALLY saying about sex? Are they giving us good how-tos or have things veered too far off the track? Let’s take a closer look at some sex lyrics and find out!

1. miley cyrus – baby talk

“You keep saying again and again
We’re laying in my bed just talking
And now I, know I can’t hold it back
I’m feeling like I’m gonna vomit
I don’t really want an older you
I heard I change my mind way too often
Baby talk is creeping me out
F**k me so you stop baby talking”

Miley isn’t happy because the guy she is with won’t stop… “baby talking”. The poor guy probably assumed she would like him to express his appreciation of her by being affectionate and whispering sweet nothings in her ear. But he assumed wrong.

mileycyrus

Yep, the damage is so bad that Miley is literally going to THROW UP. She’s kind of all… ‘yeah I’m so creeped out and genuinely physically repulsed by you’, but then all, ‘let’s just have sex so you stop talking and I can pretend you are someone else’. Probably not the best guide to sex or in fact ANY relationship EVER. Also she was dressed as a giant baby in her vid which was pretty confusing and weird. Just saying.

mileybabytalk

2. iggy azealia – pu$$y

“Silly Billy poppin’ pilly’s
Smoke it like a swisher
Lick this philly
Mold em ah! Soak em ah!
Hook em like crack, after shock
Molten ah! Lava drop
This should be outlawed, call me Pac
(P*$$y p*$$y)

Left right back to the middle
Head on swivel neck till I quivel
Open ya mouth
Taste the rainbow taste my Skittles ah”

We all know Iggy Azealia as an Australian rapper/ pop singer, but did you know she also once took to the stage as one of the three witches in Shakespeare’s famous tragedy, ‘Macbeth’? Naaa we’re totally kidding, but all this, “mold em ah! Soak em ah! Hook em… molten ah!” stuff makes her sound like she’s bending over a bubbling cauldron, cackling and chucking in small rodent/reptile body parts.

iggygif

We’re not totally sure we understand what Iggy’s ordering a guy to do here. It’s definitely DENSE as dirty talk goes. All we can really get from this is that she’s insinuating that her “pu$$y” tastes like Skittles. Which is totally not a thing, btw.

3. jason derulo – talk dirty

“Been around the world, don’t speak the language
But your booty don’t need explaining
All I really need to understand is
Will you talk dirty to me?
Talk dirty to me, yeah yeah
Talk dirty to me, talk to me
Talk dirty to me, oh yeah, get jazzy on her”

Basically, Jase is such a big player that girls drop their knickers as soon as they see him coming, rendering the spoken word totally unnecessary in seducing them.

Jason’s message (or warning) in this song is clear: he can’t speak any other languages but will definitely fly round to your country nonetheless, cos he wants to stare at your bum.

jasonderulo

But here’s where it gets a little confusing. He’s asking girls from other countries to talk dirty to him, which is all fine… except that he’s already explained that he can’t speak the language, right? So how can he actually tell the girls to talk to dirty to him? Plus, surely she can’t speak English so she can’t talk dirty to him??!!!

Hate to be pedantic Jason, but these lyrics are FLAWED. We reckon the girl at the end of the song who says, “what? I don’t understand” pretty much sums it all up.

what

4. kanye west – monster

“Have you ever had sex with a pharaoh
I put the p*ssy in a sarcophagus
now she claiming that I bruise her esophagus
head of the class and she just want a swallowship
I’m living in the future so the present is my past
my presence is a present kiss my ass”

Ignoring the first line (because, let’s face it, we’ve all had sex with a pharaoh), the second line is… ya know… pretty disturbing. Sticking to Ancient Egyptian themes, Kanye admits that he “put the p*ssy in a sarcophagus” (a sarcophagus is a large stone coffin which Egyptians put mummies in). This might be a reference to the Ancient Egyptian’s belief that cats were sacred animals, and were sometimes mummified. OR, if by the term “p*ssy” he simply means “girl” (good 1), he’s literally describing PUTTING A GIRL IN A COFFIN.

ohno

As for the rest of the lyrics, they suggest that Kanye is bruising a girl’s throat due to aggressive oral sex, and then instructing her to “kiss [his] ass”. Kim’s certainly a lucky lady.

kanye

5. kriss kross amsterdam & cheat codes –sex

“That was unbelievable
I wanna do it again
I’ll eat you like a cannibal
You’re sweet like cinnamon
Tell me all your dreams and darkest fantasies

Let’s talk about sex, baby
Let’s talk about you and me
Let’s talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be”

talkaboutsex

This one is actually a pretty good guide to sex!!! It’s all about communication – it’s all, ‘let’s talk about everything that’s working, everything that’s not working, ways to improve’… etc. Although it does seem like they do more chatting than doing the dirty itself…

donetalking_0

In general, it seems like all that communication is going down really well, resulting in an “unbelievable” love-making sesh. However (word of caution), “I’ll eat you like a cannibal” actually means I’ll eat you… all of you… probably after roasting you on the fire. Which isn’t all that sexy, and never a good end to the night.

6. fergie – m.i.l.f. $

“Heard you in the mood for a little MILFshake
Welcome to the Dairy Dutchess Love Factory
I could whip it up, fix you up straight away
Come on in the front door, leaving at the back door
Whip it, flip it, hey”

Shout-out to Kelis, who came out with the whole yummy milky sex thing in her 2003 chart-topper ‘Milkshake’. In ‘M.I.L.F. $’, Fergie preaches that you don’t have to be in your 20s to be sexy and delicious, and that in fact yummy mummies INVENTED being delicious.

fergiemilf

We’re just not sure about the instruction, “whip it, flip it, hey” cos… what is he whipping and flipping…? Is it his…?? Is that….?? Interesting foreplay technique, but maybe one only enacted in the milf realm??? IDK.

surprise_0

7. lil wayne – lollipop

“So I told her to back it up, like berp berp
And I made that ass jump, like jerp jerp, and that’s when she

Sh, sh, she lick me, like a lollipop
She, she lick me, like a lollipop, lollipop

Lil Wayne’s (or should we say, ‘Little’ Wayne’s) sex games remind us of five-year-olds playing in a nursery. “Here comes the lorry! Berp berp! Move out the way!” Especially when he refers to himself as a lollipop.

lilwayne

Ok, obvs we know what he means, but an unsuspecting listener might not because he’s totally not specific about where he is being licked, resulting in some odd imagery. Rubbish guide to sex, BUT we’ve gotta give it to him, sex with Little Wayne sounds pretty fun.

8. kent jones – don’t mind

“I give her the can in Kansas;
I got it on tape; she on candid camera
OKC I forgot we met in Oklahoma
I use to smoke Regina, she from Arizona
Then I met a girl in Cali I never disowned her;
She got that high grade
Her weed come with diplomas, I want her”

In ‘Don’t Mind’ Kent Jones reassures girls he sleeps with that where they come from doesn’t matter to him. He will literally sleep with anyone and everyone, from anywhere, so that’s ok, don’t stress. Except possibly about STIs.

kent-jones

He’s obviously hunted out girls from all over the world, so he’s well-versed on how girls from different countries look, behave and do the naughty. Kent asserts he fancies girls who have bottoms from one country, eyes from another… though in reality he’s probably just getting confused about which one of his sex buds is which.

But yeah, guys, own your ethnicity/ cultural background! Kent Jones says diversity is sexy.

9. khia – my neck, my back

“First you gotta put your neck into it
Don’t stop, just do, do it
Then you roll your tongue, from the crack back to the front…

slow head show me so much love
the best head comes from a thug
the d*ck good d*ck big and long
slow f**kin til the crack of dawn
on the edge makin faces n stuff”

Ok, so Khia says you should all get with a thug, cos they give the best head. Interesting…

khia

This and the other verses are rounded off by the chorus which repeatedly instructs, “my neck, my back, lick my p*ssy and my crack”, which is the most in-depth instruction we have received so far, and it’s JUST a little bit outrageous. It’s nice that she’s vocal about oral sex and all. It’s just the… “crack” bit.

ew_2

Obviously each to their own – there’s nothing wrong with wanting a bit of arse-loving now and again – it’s just the unpleasant use of the word “crack” that’s a LITTLE bit disconcerting… It just makes us think of builders’ bums and weird, hairy older men…

10. the weeknd – xo/the host

“I love it when your eyes are red, ah yea
Are you on my cloud yet?
‘Cause I got a brand new cam
Can we video feed, can we POV (oh why)
I wanna catch you at your best ooh
When your hair’s a mess
You look so depressed
And you’re filled with regret
And you feel like you gotta go home oh”

Mmmm k… Weeknd sounds a bit predatory here…

weeknd

As a general guide, a red-eyed girl who is “depressed” and “filled with regret” PROBABLY hasn’t got romance/ sex on the mind, so maybe don’t come onto her?!? Unlike Weeknd, who thinks it’s a great time to invite her to star in his home-made porn film using his “brand new cam” as an appealing selling point.

weeknd2

That’s a whole load of nope right there.

11. pulp – this is hardcore

“I’ve seen the storyline played out so many times before
Oh, that goes in there
Then that goes in there
Then that goes in there

Then that goes in there
And then it’s over”

Here’s a beginner’s basics guide for all of you – or rather a “sex for dummies” guide. Pulp really is being very vague here, not to mention pretty childish. Just saying, “that goes in there” over and over again is the kind of thing we’d expect chanted by an eight-year-old during a sex ed lesson to amuse his classmates.

sex

We really hope Pulp knows a bit more about sex than this. Steer clear of any of his guides. Honestly, you could find out more about sex by looking at a Kim Kardashian’s Instagram page.

pulp

12. akinyele – put it in your mouth

“Creamin your teeth like dentists as I’m rubbin them
With an erection like injections, f**k it I be druggin them
Numbing up your tonsils, like ambesol anesthetic
Cummin down your throat like chloraseptic (take it out my mouth)
No time for apologin.. girlfriend if you..
swallowin {gurgle}.. garglin
I’m givin b**ches permanent beards
Put your lips here and catch these damn facial hairs
in your mouth”

So Akinyele really has got creative with his sex guide descriptions. Here he is, rubbing a girl’s teeth with his willy… like a dentist…and his erection is like injections, numbing her tonsils… also he’s giving girls “permanent beards” from his… pubic hair???!

no

This sounds like a dental operation from hell – there’s all sorts of liquids flying down your throat, something uncomfortable wedged in your mouth and you’re numb and gurgling. No THANK you, Akinyele. Also, how would you give a girl a permanent beard during the whole ordeal? Are we missing something? Maybe he got out a permanent marker and just went to town? Talk about adding insult to injury.

We really like the next bit though:

“What do ya choose to lick
you could eat me out
p*ssy or d*ck?
put it in your mouth”

Akinyele (bless him) assures us all that it’s ok if you like licking willy and it’s ok if you like licking fanny cos it’s totally your mouth and therefore your choice! What an inspirational sex peace offering for oral-givers all around the world.

So it turns out music lyrics don’t generally offer good bonking guides… but we’ll forgive them cos all of them are celebrating sex in their weird and wacky ways. And sex deserves to be celebrated.

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