The Official Ranking Of Everything Millennials Have Killed

There’s one thing we all know about millennials: they love to murder things, particularly entire industries and lines of products. The millennial thirst for death and destruction is unquenchable – and these millennials are completely unstoppable. Since there is no way of preventing their bloody rampage through capitalism, all we can do is rank the things they’ve heartlessly killed:

30. Fabric Softener

I mean, there’s a REASON fabric softener is dying – our fabrics are already soft enough, we certainly don’t need ADDITIONAL SOFTENING like those hoity-toity baby boomers.

29. Diamonds

Oh, hyper-expensive clear rocks are falling out of favor? WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED THIS? Honestly, rocks in general are pretty cool I guess, but clear rocks with no intrinsic value that cost thousands of dollars? No thanks.

28. Home Ownership

“Owning” a home mostly means putting yourself in debt for the next 30 years, having to do a bunch of additional chores, and trapping yourself in whatever suburb you currently live in indefinitely. Millennials made a smart move.

27. Class

“Classiness” is just a way for rich people to be condescending to everyone else. Reminder – wearing fancy clothes and using fancy silverware and listening to jazz doesn’t make you a better person. In fact, more often than not, it makes you a total asshole.

26. Focus Groups

Focus groups are just this weird marketing device cooked up by enormous corporations to figure out how to sell their garbage to us better. And, honestly, they’re a little creepy – gather a bunch of strangers in a tiny room with a fake mirror and watch their reactions when you present them with products? It’s like a low-rent version of Black Mirror.

25. Running

Running itself kinda sucks, but at least can be a semi-relaxing experience – taking a jog around your neighborhood, listening to some music, maybe meeting up with some other joggers, etc. But doing that COMPETITIVELY? Suddenly you’re adding a weird level of stress and aggression to your exercise routine, so YEAH LET’S KILL RUNNING.

24. Casinos

The movie Casino is completely dope, so I’m glad that’s not what they’re saying we killed. But the idea of walking into a loud giant building filled with cigarette smoke and flashing lights where everyone is losing enormous sums of money and the stink of desperation is everpresent? I’m okay with that going away.

23. Golf

Oh no, Millennials are killing THE LAMEST SPORT POSSIBLE:

  • You’re expected to dress like a weenie
  • Everyone needs to buy extremely expensive golf clubs
  • The golf clubs are heavy as hell, so you either lug them the whole time or rent a child who will do it for you, which is more than a little awkward
  • Takes like 3-4 hours
  • Golf courses take up an enormous amount of space AND require constant maintanence – basically just a huge, huge waste of resources


22. Anti-Aging

To be fair, no Millennial expects to live past the age of 40, so why would we need anti-aging products?

21. Cable TV

There’s a lot of great stuff on cable (well, AMC and FX, mostly), but the entire model completely sucks – I have to pay pretty significant prices for a huge number of channels I have no interest in and will never watch? And I still have to deal with commercials? Services like Netflix and Hulu really expose what a rip-off it is – for way way less money, they deliver on-demand shows with no commercials at all, and not random unnecessary stuff I have no interest in.

20. Department Stores

Department stores are basically just less convenient versions of Amazon, but with less selection and higher prices. The parking lots are okay places to smoke and drink when you’re a teenager, but otherwise, nothing of value being lost here.

19. Light Yogurt


18. Marriage

Marriage: an outdated societal institution where you decide you’re only going to have sex with one person for the rest of your life, and you go through an emotionally and financially devastating legal process if either of you want out.

Living at home with your parents: free rent and your mom will probably still do your laundry. Win-win.

17. Napkins

Here’s the thing – napkins are just worse paper towels with less uses (and cost more, on average). Plus, all millennials steal as many napkins as possible from Wendy’s once a week for clean-ups and such (at least, I do).

16. McDonald’s

Wendy’s does chicken (and napkins) better than McDonald’s, Burger King does burgers better, and Arby’s does fries better – the only real reason I ever had to go to McDonald’s was when they had those limited edition Batman Forever glass cups (and I never was able to get Robin).

15. Bars of Soap

Bars of soap are pretty gross – people use them specifically when their hands are at their most disgusting, and there’s also SOME residue of grossness left over on the actual bar itself – meaning the next person to use it is gonna receive that tiny bit of leftover grossness.

14. Cruises

We already covered casinos (smokey buildings filled with sadness and noise), but what about cruises? Ostensibly, a cruise doesn’t seem like a bad idea – go to a bunch of tropical locales, enjoy the luxury of a giant moving hotel, and take part in a bunch of fun activities!

Except cruises are expensive as hell and one of the worst avenues for experiencing travel. Also, they have a tendency to get stranded and for systems to shut down and completely overflow with sewage and feces.

13. Spring Break

Spring break kinda sucks – kids are just looking for an excuse to get wasted on beaches, but the thing is that YOU CAN GO GET DRUNK ON A BEACH PRETTY MUCH WHENEVER YOU WANT. And if you do it at NON-spring break time periods, it will be less expensive AND less wildly overcrowded.

12. London’s Nightlife Scene

Honestly, I’ve never really been to London’s nightlife scene, so I won’t miss it THAT much, but I am a little remorseful I never got to try it myself. Oh well, I guess us Millennials will just be stuck with London’s daylife scene?

11. Marmalade

Ah crap, I like marmalade. Not THAT much or anything, but I’ll be sad to see it go. Wonder if London’s nightlife scene involved a lot of marmalade or something? Feels like they could be related.

10. Credit

Credit is great – you get to buy things you can’t really afford, you don’t have to carry cash around with you all the time, and you usually have a decent chunk of time to pay off what you owe before things start getting scary. On the flipside, it’s real easy to let your credit debt get away from you and cause a whole mess of problems in your life.

Then again, “destroying credit card companies” was the ending to Fight Club, so that’s kinda cool.

9. Dinner Dates

Dinner dates are not the ideal type of date – that would be the brunch date, because you get to drink alcohol AND enjoy the day a little bit – but they’re still pretty good. Since it’s usually at night, you both have a better chance of it leading to sex afterwards, plus it can be nice to get a little dressed up and have a fancy dinner date. But still, you can be pretty self-conscious when you’re eating on a date, so you’ll never really enjoy the meal as much as you normally would. “Dinner with friends” trumps “dinner date” any day of the week.

8. Movies

I like movies – movies can be super fun and great, but this is specifically referring to the theatrical movie release model, which wavers between great and straight up awful. It’s pretty expensive (one movie ticket is about the price of a month of Netflix), concessions cost even more, and you have to deal with crowded theaters and occasionally an annoying person yelling during the movie.

But still, Mad Max: Fury Road was the best in-theater movie experience I’ve ever had, and it’s kinda a bummer to lose that. Oh well, millennials thirst for blood cannot be quenched!


7. Gyms

It’s good to be healthy and take care of your body, but on the other hand, gym memberships are expensive and I always feel self-conscious working out next to the people who obviously know what they’re doing and are super jacked. This solves that problem.


6. Cereal

Personally, I don’t find cereal THAT complicated – you get the cereal, then you get a bowl, then you get the milk, then you get the spoon and UGGGH okay nevermind four steps is already too many. RIP Corn Flakes.


5. Beer

Cheap, big brand, canned beer is a damn necessity. I’m not gonna go out and buy microbrew craft beer by the dozen if I’m throwing a barbecue – I’m gonna get a bunch of Bud Light or Coors or something. Please, Millennials, call off this attack.


4. Vacations

Vacations are 90% great – you get to travel, relax, and get a break from your normal day-to-day routine. The one downside is you get to constantly stress out about work and – in the age of email on phones – pretty much everyone expects you to still be responding to emails even though you set up the out-of-office notification. C’mon, Trevor, your PowerPoint presentation draft can wait til next week.


3. Chain Restaurants

It may be a little old fashioned, but Applebee’s and Buffalo Wild Wings are great. All chain restaurants are. They can be a little pricey for what you actually get, but if you go late, Applebee’s has half-priced apps and OH BABY daddy needs those Southwest-Style Nachos.


2. Sex

Sex is great – definitely in the top 10 things two humans can do together. Why millennials would want to kill it is beyond me, but who am I to stand in the path of progress?


1. Lunch




Oh, I guess we should mention now: millennials aren’t killing anything. Certain industries are seeing downturns in sales and revenue because they make products that aren’t as necessary or compelling, and money is being spent on other, more useful items. And blaming it on “millennials” is just a cheap tactic for easy clicks. Hell, the term “millennial” is virtually meaningless – all generational labels are!

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