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People Share The Sexual Stuff They’ve Tried That Seemed Way Better In Theory

Because you can ask the internet anything and the internet will answer, someone asked Reddit: “what are some sexual experiences for you that seemed a lot better ‘on paper’ before you did them? One for me would be having sex in the shower.” Redditors responded by sharing a whole array of sexual experiences they tried that seemed way better in theory than in practice.

Apparently everyone agrees shower sex is a slippery nightmare. Also, beach sex. And car sex. Actually everyone should probably just stick to vanilla sex in a bed from now on just to be safe.

Don’t try these at home:

1. Anal. Via TheNextMovement:

An ex of mine had done anal before and I wanted to try it with her. But we were young and dumb and instead of using lube we would have spontaneous anal (without her prepping herself with an enema beforehand) and we used this watermelon scented lotion she had as lube.

We did it once and my dick ended up smelling like fake watermelon scent and ass. Anal ruined. Haven’t eaten watermelon since.

2. Ocean sex. Via sleepyjack2:

In the ocean, saltwater dries everything up and you’re getting hit in the face with waves every few seconds

3. Or sex on the beach. Via nordictuesday:

Beach sex. No matter how many towels you put down sand still manages to get everywhere. Sand hurts.

*whispers* I don’t want you inside me… sand.

4. Whip cream. Via TheNezeni:

Fuckin whip cream man. It always looked like a great idea but it just makes you sticky and not the good sweaty sex sticky horrible sugar sticky. Plus you get sick of all that sugar fast, “babe I’m kinda full I’ll lick your left titty later”

5. 69’ing. via baalsitch:

Also first time while 69ing with my ex she farted, I know there was no shit but nothing can prepare you for a bare-assed fart in the face.

6. DO have sex on a trampoline. Via Ohnoemichelley:

Sex on a trampoline…

… Just kidding, that was awesome.

7. Baby oil. Via socalnonsage

tl:dr: Baby Oil is not as sexy as they make it in adult motion pictures….

My wife expressed the desire to get some baby oil, apply to each other and then have amazing, sensual, tantric sex for hours on end like they do in “those movies.” After talking some more about it, we decided that we’d need to put down plastic or a tarp to protect our floors and not make a mess.

Flash forward to the weekend. We have 2 bottles of baby oil (baby powder scented!) and a painters tarp. Lay down the tarp, get naked, start applying baby oil to each other, LOTS of baby oil. Proceed to apply BOTHbottles and realize that baby oil is slippery, NO I MEAN SERIOUSLY FUCKING SLIPPERY.We’re slipping and sliding all over the tarp, falling all over each other, trying to keep our bearings while commencing sexytime. It’s just not working out. We’re trying to do doggy and I just can’t keep a firm grip on her waist and my knees keep sliding back and forth. I thought about standing up, but I probably would have broken my neck.

At that point, we conceded and cut our losses. We started to clean up and realized that our tarp had a hole which allowed quite a bit of the oil to leak onto our hardwood floors. For about year after that, we had a 6×6′ very shiny spot on our living room floor.

We still laugh about it to this day. One plus is that our skin was soft as a baby’s butt for weeks after that 🙂

8. Sex on X. Via konebred:

I thought it was gonna be awesome having sex on extacy but she and I just ended up lying on our backs naked on the carpet playing with ourselves for like a couple hours. I tried penetration and ate her out some but it was so overwhelming I couldn’t really concentrate. So we just laid there naked playing with ourselves having some weird ass conversations. It was still pretty cool though.

9. HJ at the movies. Via [deleted]:

Hand job in the movie theatre, I couldn’t enjoy the movie at all

10. Office quickie. Via batndz:

Sex with her on a desk facing me. It’s fine until your balls hit the desk. Couldn’t really recover after that.

11. Shower sex. Via mpc340:

First time having sex in the shower the other day but my girlfriend is only 5’3 and I’m 6’1 so I picked her up and put her against the shower wall and went to town. Apparently the next day she had a huge bruise on the back of her head where I had hit her against the wall. She went to the doctor and he said she had a mild concussion or “TBI” traumatic brain injury. Ill stick to the bed from now on…

12. “Spit roasting.” Via SodomusRex

Spit roasting a chick with a buddy. The next day we couldn’t look each other in the eye. Our high five in the middle of it will resound forever as a reminder of our shared shame. The true horror of it is that he ended up marrying her.

The true horror of it is the term “spit roasting.”

13. Chewbacca noises. Via PENIS_IN_MAH_MOUTH_:

Making a chewbacca sound in the middle of it. I laughed, he didn’t.

14. The Koala move. Via phishingincorporated

one time my ex boyfriend tried to be smooth and pick me up so that he would be standing and i would be holding onto him (everytime ive done this ive felt like a koala), and so he goes to pull me off the bed and in some sort of catastrophic failure he dropped me, naked, onto the wooden floor. oh but thats not all, he was cleaning out his dresser so he had the drawers strewn about the floor so not only did i tumble naked face first onto the floor but i landed on several wooden dresser drawers. id say that would be my worst, also the shower thing never works, curse you hollywood movies.

15. DON’T fuck in the sauna. Via eatsnobananas

I had a girlfriend who thought sex in a sauna would be great. I was 17 and thought more sex sounded great so we headed off.

Problems:

For one, I put the temperature/steam on 10/10. We were eventually in an oven. It was fucking insane, and it took me forever before I realized I should pull my dick out and lower the temperature, but it was a sealed room, so it did too little too late.

Also, the sauna was small and for whatever reason she didn’t want to do Doggy in this instance, so she kept smacking her head into the wall.

I also had this idea that if a girl didn’t cum at least once (if not several times) during sex, not only would she dump you, but you’d never have a shot with her friends (I’m not saying it’s okay to be a bad lover, but I’m sure I could be forgiven in this instance).

So, I’ve got my hands on top of her head cushioning her head, while we’re sweating like pigs, trying to fuck this girl into an orgasm before I literally passed out from exhaustion and finally (I wouldn’t be surprised if she faked it just to get out of there), she went, “AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”.

GOOD! NOW I WON’T GET DUMPED!

When we went outside the temperature difference was probably an immediate 60 degree drop. While I thought it felt refreshing, she immediately puked everywhere and was sick for the next several days.

No more fucking in the sauna.

tl;dr – Don’t fuck in the sauna.

16. Sex on a pool table. Via sinfulface:

Sex on a pool table, it’s like having sex on concrete, with a single layer of felt on top

17. This will ruin anal. Also, bagels. Via ilikenavyblue:

anal, the entrance is nice and tight but then comes huge chasm of space following after. it was like humping a bagel.

18. Bondage. Via merebrillante:

Bondage. I asked my partner at the time if he’d be willing to try it. Neither of us ever had before, so he tied me up. A few minutes into the experience, I looked up at him and said, “Is this working for you?” He said, “Not really.” I said, “Me either. Untie me.”

19. Again, don’t fuck in the sauna. Via walking_away_:

Sex in a sauna. I liked it, but the guy fainted after he finished.

JUST DON’T, OKAY??

20. Don’t fuck in a car either. Via nastybacon:

Back in my young days when we didnt have the luxuries of owning our own places. We had to be a bit more discrete where to take our ladies. So having just bought a new car, well I say new.. a new shit old banger.. The girlfriend thought it would be fun to christen it by going somewhere quiet and have sex.

Parked up down a dirty dingy alleyway in the middle of nowhere, no light, no where to move, just hampers a mans ability. You try to get a comfortable position, and something impales you, like the gearstick, the handbreak, the seatbelt clips etc. Just as things got excited and going, out goes a foot and wham, straight through the windscreen! Great!!

Had it not been freezing outside, i think sex on the ground would have been better!

21. We’ll say “facials.” Via [deleted]:

Nutting on a girls face. Felt like a really good idea when she said yes because I was super horny. But then when I saw her sitting there with my jizz all over her face I just felt bad.

22. Condoms that glow. Via fortycakes:

Glow in the dark condoms. It’s impossible to not pretend it’s a lightsaber.

Reddit user Translucent, who posed the original question, also made this helpful summary of their findings, just in case you didn’t have time to read them all:

(To clarify, these are a general summary of what other people have been saying in the thread, not my own opinions on them)

  • Sex in water (ocean, hot tub, swimming pool, etc.) – Water washes away lubrication, and makes it harder to thrust, salt and chlorine can burn
  • Sex in a car – Cramped
  • 69’ing – Too hard to give and receive at once, awkward positioning
  • Road head – Way too distracting while you’re trying to drive
  • Anal – Messy, smelly, doesn’t feel that amazing, too much effort to do successfully
  • Threesomes – Awkward, one person gets left out, messes with relationships
  • Playing with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, etc. – Sticky, can only eat so much before it gets gross
  • Sex in various outdoor areas – Uncomfortable surfaces, bugs, dirt and sand gets into unwanted places, splinters
  • Titty fucking – Just doesn’t feel all that special, breasts are too smooth to provide much sensation
  • Blowjob with Poprocks – Just doesn’t feel good
  • Sex on various drugs – Makes the experience strange rather than enhancing it
  • Candle wax – Burning is straight out painful, not light and erotic painful

Thank you for your service to the community.

 

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