On the list of horrible things in this world, mornings land in third place, behind scabies and Martin Shkreli. You have to wake up. And unless you work from home or are an aerobics teacher at a nudist resort, you have to put on pants. And most people have to drive or take public transportation.

Whether you’re gripping the steering wheel or gripping the subway or bus pole, chances are you only have one free hand (at least) to hold on to something delicious and/or nutritious for breakfast. Sure, you could just wake up early and eat something before you leave the house, but then what would you do during that obligatory commute? If you are going to spend extended time sitting in traffic or on a train/bus, you might as well multitask.

English muffin breakfast pizza

This quick and delectable recipe eschews any red sauce for a more breakfast-friendly egg, and only takes about 10 minutes to throw together.

Key ingredients:

  • English muffins
  • Shredded cheese
  • Bacon or pepperoni

Sun butter, banana, and chia seed toast

Not only is this one of the healthier options on this list (because frankly, you have all day to burn these calories off, guys) but it’s also an option for those with peanut allergies — and people who have a weird desire to eat Chia Pets. You know who you are. This is the recipe, friends.

Key ingredients:

  • Chia seeds
  • Sun butter (or peanut butter… if you really want)
  • Bananas


Breakfast tortilla wraps

This Tex-Mex wrap is incredibly basic, but sometimes, a little Southwest simplicity is just what you need while waiting in soul-crushing traffic, or stuffing yourself in a sardine-can subway car. If you can’t figure out how to make this (for some reason), check out the recipe.

Key ingredients:

  • Eggs
  • Cheddar and/or American cheese
  • Large flour tortillas
  • Bacon

Strawberry banana Nutella croissants

These take a little longer than other things on this list, but luckily, Pillsbury’s dough still bakes up pretty damn fast. With a little foresight (i.e., waking up a meager 15 minutes earlier), you can have a delicious breakfast that’s perfect to take on the road. Hold this fruit-and-nut-butter-stuffed croissant in one hand while you man the steering wheel with the other. Find the recipe right freaking here.

Key ingredients:

  • Refrigerated crescent rolls
  • Bananas
  • Strawberries
  • Nutella


English breakfast sandwich

Again, this takes a little prep, but once you’ve got it together, that commute will be infinitely improved. You might as well eat while traveling, right? You’ve got nothing better to do. This one gives a little cockney edge to the tried-and-true breakfast sandwich template. And despite the reputation Brits have for creating subpar foods, this sandwich is guaranteed to leave your bollocks in a twist. That’s a good thing, right? Find the recipe here, chaps.

Key ingredients:

  • English muffins
  • Egg
  • Cheddar cheese
  • Sliced black pudding (but you can probably substitute sausage instead)

Peanut butter and jelly waffle sandwich 

If you didn’t know, the humble PB&J may be the most influential sandwich in American history. Is sticking the tried-and-true formula between two fresh Eggos blasphemy? Hardly. It’s just making something already great, even greater. Like when they added Danny DeVito to the cast of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. So basically Danny DeVito is like a waffle. If you can’t figure this one out, we’ve got you covered with the recipe right here.

Key ingredients:

  • Waffles
  • Peanut butter
  • Jelly


Spinach mango banana green smoothie

After much internal debate, I decided to include a smoothie on this list, even though I prefer liquid breakfast with alcohol that’s paired with eggs Benedict while waiting in line for two hours. But, you know, this is really easy to hold with one hand. Learn how to blend this sucker up, here.

Key ingredients:

  • Mango
  • Banana
  • Spinach
  • Milk

Tuna melt waffles

Again, another instance of bringing waffles into the fold to make a great thing even better. Granted tuna is kind of weird for breakfast, but if you’re chowing down alone in your Mazda, who’s gonna know? Learn how to make them, right damn here.

Key ingredients:

  • Shredded cheddar
  • Green onions
  • Buttermilk
  • Tuna salad


Avocado bread

OK, so this one probably takes up to an hour to make. BUT! Make a loaf the night before, and you can easily cut off a piece and eat it for breakfast for several days. This is essentially banana bread with avocado swapped in for ‘nanas. So yeah… add UGGs and Adele and it’s a white girl’s wet dream. And this is how you bake it.

Key ingredients:

  • Mashed avocado
  • Butter
  • Sugar
  • Egg

Closed puffy omelet with Canadian bacon

Is Canadian bacon better than regular bacon? Is it really just ham? Do people really eat it in Canada? I don’t know. Frankly, I don’t want to know. I just know it pairs well with a puffy omelet and a single hand. Which is all I care to know. The recipe’s right here.

Key ingredients:

  • Canadian bacon
  • Cheddar cheese
  • Tomato
  • Fresh mushrooms




I haven’t eaten today and it’s nearly dinner time. And yet this made me feel sick.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

More Boobs - Less Politics ​​

And Now... A Few Links From Our Sponsors