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You can always count on Reddit to deliver the advice you may not want to hear, but need to. A thread of unadulterated wisdom appeared on the site, detailing the best NSFW life hacks out there.

From sexy-ish hygiene tips to DIY weed pipes, this is definitely one of the most useful threads out there—just make sure no one’s watching.

1. Always go to a one night stand’s place instead of bringing them home

It’s a lot easier to leave on your own than it is to throw someone out. Just imagine—no awkward makeshift breakfast, no painful small talk, and no second date. Score!! Now, go home and finish watching Dr. Who.

2. Consult your penis before any big life decisions

Masturbation relieves stress, soothes headaches, and is really just a fun way to clear your head. If you’re faced with a huge decision—especially one that’s particularly sexy, just take a moment to rub one out. Everyone does it…even monkeys, the O.G. humans!

3. Never break more than one law at a time

If you’re into crime, which you probably shouldn’t be, don’t break more one law in one day—you’re way less likely to get caught. So keep it cool, slugger. Vandalism on Monday, grand theft auto on Tuesday.

4. Use Google Translate to uncover a whole new world of porn you’ve never seen

Reddit user, Muscular_Leopard has not only the best username, but also some killer XXX advice: “When searching for porn (in what I presume to be English), you’re largely going to get English only results. If you go to Google Translate and put it to translate into another language and search that, you’re going to get completely different results.”

5. Don’t stick anything in your butt that doesn’t have a flared bottom

Because it’s going to get stuck and a team of highly-trained doctors are going to have to remove it while stifling their laughter. So, treat the brown oval with the respect it deserves.

6. You can eat breakfast for free at (almost) any hotel

Pro-tip: Most relatively upscale hotels offer a continental breakfast in the morning and usually won’t check your ID or room key. Just keep it on stealth mode, get your bagel, and GTFO.

7. Buy a bidet

Seriously, your butt will thank you. Plus, bidets save trees and the Earth needs trees, remember?

8. When a lady is close to finishing…let it happen

Seriously, don’t go rogue…in any sense of the word…and just try to maintain a steady rhythm until she climaxes. Sex involves more than one person, remember? Don’t try anything fancy at the last minutes and certainly don’t try that special move you saw in that one porn movie, just stay the course and go the distance.

9. Buy a small step ladder and put it in your bathroom

You like pooping, right? Of course, everyone does. Pro-tip: When you’re tackling the great number two, put your feet up on the step. It will make pooping way easier because we were meant to squat, not sit.

10. Take $2 dollar bills to the strip club

It’s kind of a crummy move if one’s income relies on the kindness of horny strangers, but—if you’re strugglin’ and absolutely need to see some boobs, bring $2 bills. In the darkness of the strip club—$2 bills look a hell of a lot like $20 bills.

11. Always get her name right before you scream it out in passion

12. Do math problems in your head while having sex to last longer

If you’re having issues with the ol’ peep, there are a couple solutions at hand. Can you tell me the product of 958 times 2,368 without using your calculator? No, you can’t. No one can. Figuring it out mid-coitus will distract you and slightly override the sensory side of the brain and keep ya going strong for a few more seconds.

13. Don’t have a pipe? Use an apple

Or, a melon—both work very well.

14. Wipe the rim of the toilet after every time you pee

“Guys: Wipe the rim of the toilet after every time you pee. You may think you’re getting all the spray in, but a lot of little drops you won’t see accumulate around the rim that you won’t see. Before long…you got yourself a pretty unpleasant odor. It takes ten seconds to wipe the porcelain. So just do it.” Thanks, RedHeavenMusic!

15. Categorize your porn

If you watch porn—and you do—you can create a Gmail account for your porn activity. Go to drive, create a google doc, and copy-paste the links of videos you like in there, so you can re-watch them later. If you’re more organized than me, create a spreadsheet, add a link per line, and add columns for things like the names of porn stars in each video, rating, duration, sexual acts, and whatever else keeps your watercraft buoyant. But remember the ancient wisdom: the more complex your masturbation station is, the more shame you may feel after.

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