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Sex Shop Employees Shared Their Best Customer Stories And Selling Dildos Sounds Like The Funniest Job Ever

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I’ll be honest with you guys and say upfront that I really don’t have much experience with sex shops (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more). I think I’ve only ever been inside of two (hundred) and that was to purchase gag gifts for friends (*friends*… well, I am my own best friend). So I can’t really speak in earnest about knowing what the customers are like (except for creepy Bobby), what the shops are like (Lube is on aisle two), nor do I know anything about what sorts of crazy shit go down inside of the shops (I didn’t cause that fight and my lawyer will back me up on this). This is precisely why I enjoyed reading through these stories so much, stories from current and former sex toy shop workers about their best customer experience. It was like learning about a strange new world, and I found myself cracking up hard at these (via AskReddit)…By their very nature some of these could be considered slightly NSFW, so you should know that you’ll be reading about sex shop shenanigans below.

schnit123:
When I was nineteen I worked for about three weeks at a rental store that didn’t just have a “back room” but a full on sex shop in back that was bigger than the front of the store. If you wanted to rent Dumbo for your kid and buy an assortment of cock rings for yourself we were your one stop shop. One time I had a guy come in to buy an electric vagina, about a $80 item. When I told him to have a nice evening he responded, very enthusiastically, “oh you bet I will.”
Three hours later he came back. He wanted to return the electric vagina because the box was missing the lube that was supposed to come with it. Since I’d only been there for about a week and a half I didn’t know how to do a return, so I had to use the inter-store phone to call the manager who was working the cash wrap in the front. She asked what was being returned and when I told her it was an electric vagina she said “okay the first thing you need to do is inspect it to make sure it hasn’t been used.”
“Umm, what?” socially awkward nineteen-year old me said.
“Yes, you have to inspect it to make sure it hasn’t been used.”
So I had to open up the rubber vagina and inspect it for wear and tear in front of the guy, who was giving me an “are you fucking kidding me?” look. Mercifully, it had not been used and I gave him his refund.
The worst part about it is that I was still a virgin at the time so that was my first close encounter with a vagina. I told this story to a couple of friends of mine too and became known to them as the “electric gynecologist” for awhile.


cheddarben:

101[1]
SUPER long time ago. Worked overnight.
Dude comes in… drunk. We chat for a while. Where he works, etc. Then grabs product and bolts. Except I knew where he worked. Probably a weird one for him when the popo showed up at his job for stealing dildos.


yayalorde:
In the early 1990’s a friend of mine owned a porn store. It was like most of them with movies, magazines, sex toys, and those booths you could sit in and watch porn flicks in. We called them the jack-sheds.
As you might imagine it was difficult keeping employees as most people didn’t really want to work at a place like this so on occasion I would do him a favor and work a shift if he needed it. There were a few things that happened that stand out.
1. A woman came in who was very rough looking. She looked like the “after” on those meth warning pictures. I was watching her closely because I thought she might try to steal something. A guy came in and started talking to her. As they talked another person came in and asked me a few questions then bought something and left. I looked back over and saw that the guy and the rough looking woman were now fucking in the back corner of the store. I yelled at them and the guy took off and ran out of the store. The woman walked up to the counter, bare ass naked, and told me she was desperate for cock and told me she had met that guy on some phone chat line. She then asked if we had any “loaner” dildos. I told her no and that she needed to get dressed. She just walked out of the store completely naked.
2. Had a guy come in and try to buy underage porn from me. He was certain I had “the good stuff” behind the counter. When I told him it was illegal and I wanted him to leave he started browsing, asking if we carried any gay porn where the guys looked really REALLY young. I called the police and they arrived while he was still browsing and arrested him. Turns out he was a registered sex offender.
3. Countless people cumming all over the jack-sheds. It got to the point where if anyone asked for change for the booth I would offer them some paper towels and ask them not to spray everywhere. It never worked, they sprayed their spunk everywhere.
4. A woman came in and complained for about 10 minutes because she had bought some cinnamon flavored lube and now complained that she put it on her ass during anal sex and caused her to have an “inflamed’ asshole. She wanted me to give her $500 for pain and suffering. She even felt the need to lift her skirt, drop her panties and show me said asshole. I told her to come back when the owner was here. She bitched that she couldn’t even sit down.
5. My favorite: A guy came in and got change for one of the jack-sheds. These booths were in the back of the building through a doorway. A couple then came in and they were walking around browsing things, talking etc. They were near the door that led to the jack-sheds when that guy in the booth had an orgasm and screamed so loudly the guy in the couple jumped, but the girl screamed and fell to the floor. She then got up, humiliated and left. I could see the wet spot on the front of her jeans. The dude had came so loudly he caused a girl to pee her pants in terror.


fozzyp:

head-full-of-kleenex-600x399[1]
Had video rental rooms with a $20 deposit. Use the Kleenex, don’t urinate in the trash can, you’ll get your deposit back.
Why we had the urination rule was bizarre to me.
Then I had to tell a guy he wasn’t getting his deposit back.


This one’s long but GOOD GOD is it amazing:

Fizjig:
My wife is the manager of the largest adult novelty store in the metropolitan city we live near. She has held that job for several years and occasionally I help her out when she is short staffed.
Here are my most memorable customer “experiences” in my time working there in no particular order.
I was filling in a graveyard shift at one of the smaller locations south of the main store. It was a slow business store usually and it was around 3am. This particular night I hadn’t seen a single customer yet. In waddles this woman that had to easily be pushing 400+ pounds. She was so large she had to use a cane to walk and instead of proper clothing she had what seemed to be 2 bedsheets she had fashioned into a makeshift dress with clothespins on.
She ignored me and moved to the back area of the store where the lingerie racks were. I will note that we do carry some plus sized sets, but nothing big enough for this woman. I don’t like to judge, but she was well beyond the size any human being should allow themselves to get. I was genuinely concerned for her health and safety.
I could hear her labored breathing from all the way at the front of the store just from the effort it took her to walk back there. She was back there for a few minutes and I thought about checking on her, but before I could she came from the back with some neglige that clearly wasn’t going to fit her.
I expected her to come to the front to be rung up, but instead she went to one of the dressing rooms. I wasn’t exactly sure I wanted her trying things on I knew were not going to fit her, but I also did not want to flat out insult her either, so I waited.
Minutes passed like hours. From across the store I could hear her dramatic, labored grunting coming from the changing room stall. At this point I was just waiting for it to end. I hear the stall door open and I think to myself, “Oh good she’s done.”
Instead she comes out of the stall, not wearing her makeshift dress, but instead she has managed, amazingly, to stretch out a g string set across her massive body. Almost to the point of breaking. Bare in mind it is not actually covering anything. She would have been showing inappropriate nudity in public if not for the fact that that her massive folds of skin were hiding everything from view.
Before I can get out a shocked response she asks me how she looks in this super hoarse, smokers cough kind of voice.
All I could say was, “I’m sorry Ma’am I cannot have you wearing that outside of the dressing room.”
She gave me an, “Okay” before waddling back in to change.
Several more minutes of grunting later she finally emerges from the changing room. This time back in her bed sheet outfit. She doesn’t say anything to me, but I can see that she is glistening with sweat and short of breath. She then promptly leaves the store.
Later that shift I am finishing up my cleaning duties and I go to the stall where she had changed. As I open the door the first thing that hits me is the overpowering B.O. smell. It made me gag, and I had to cover my face. In the middle of the floor there was a massive puddle of sweat, and in the puddle was the discarded garments she had tried on. They were soaked in sweat and pretty much ruined.
I ended up using a broom handle to scoop them into a trash bag which I immediately took out to the dumpster. I still shudder thinking about it.
One afternoon I was ringing up a line of customers in the main store.
There were about 4 people in line. The woman I was ringing up and 3 men behind her waiting. She was buying a vibrator. For obvious reasons the shop has a no return policy. Due to this rule we usually will place batteries in the toy and make sure it works before the customer leaves the store, so they know they are getting a working product.
I tell this particular customer that I am going to grab some batteries so we can test the toy for her, and I reach down below the counter to get the box of batteries.
When I stand back up I see her in the middle of dropping her pants and underwear right there on the spot. The 3 guys in line behind her are all staring in amazement. I’m like, “What the hell are you doing lady?”
I can see her looking confused for a moment before asking, “Didn’t you say I should test it first?” It then suddenly hits her and she turns bright red before jerking up her pants and running out of the store.
The 3 men are now laughing. The next guy in line asks me, “Did that actually just happen?”
One night in the main store I’m covering a grave shift. Its about 1am. Its January and snowing like crazy. A car pulls up and out hops the passenger who then comes into the store. From my vantage point behind the front counter I can see its a girl wearing a grey hoodie. The car is still running, so I assume she is just grabbing something quick while the driver waits for her.
She shows me her ID as she enters, so I don’t bother getting up to ask her. As she moves away from the counter towards the back of the store I see that the grey hoodie is the only thing she is wearing.
As surprised as I should have been I actually wasn’t all that shocked. She looked drunk as hell. I told her that I couldn’t have her in the store without pants on. She just stared at me for a long time and then gave me a wobbly smile before dismissing me.
“OH, I won’t be long.”
At this point I decide that if she’s going to be quick its not worth freaking out over. She comes back a few seconds later with a bottle of lube. She hands me a crumpled up $20 and tells me to keep the change.
I noticed she was barefoot, so as she’s leaving I ask her, “Arn’t you cold?” She just smiles again and slurs out, “You’re cute.” before heading back into the snow drunk, and naked.
One day at the main store I get this couple in. They both look completely overwhelmed, and embarrassed to be in the store. I can tell immediately that they were both virgins, or at least had very little knowledge of sex between them.
After greeting them I come to find out that they were newly married members of a local religious group, and they wanted to consummate their marriage, but had so far been unsuccessful, because they were both too nervous to perform. Neither one could even manage more than some heavy petting over their clothes.
They wandered around the shop in a total state of awe and shock. They also had a million questions understandably. I did my best to remain professional and explain each item they asked about. Some they got right away. Other items were a bit harder concepts for them to grasp. The husband was especially confused by the large butt plug on display and what it was used for. It was a concept he just could not wrap his mind around. Which was probably for the better anyway.
They were especially interested in the bottle of flavored lube.
“Is it food?”
“Well, you can eat it, but its not really food.”
“If it’s not food, why is it flavored.”
“It can be used for oral stimulation.”
“What is that?”
“Oral stimulation is when you pleasure your partner with your mouth.”
“OH! Like kissing!”
“Um, somewhat, but usually Oral sex involves using your mouth on their genitals.”
“What?”
“Have you heard of Felacio?”
“What did he write?”
“No. Felacio isn’t a person. It’s a sexual act. Oral sex. The vulgar term is blow job.”
“Oh. I’ve heard the term blow job, but I don’t really know what it is.”
“It’s when you use your mouth to sexually please your husbands penis.”
The look of shock and wonder were both in equal measure.
“You want me to put my husband’s penis in my mouth?”
“Well, I personally don’t have a stake in it, but if you wanted to do that you could.”
“Why in heavens would I want to do that?”
He looked just as shocked as she did.
“Some people find it pleasurable.”
“Is this what people do when they get married?”
“Well, some people do. It’s a personal choice.”
“If I had known I would have to put his genitals in my mouth I would not have gotten married!”
“You are not required to do that.”
“I should hope not! I’m sorry, but this is all a bit much for me. I don’t think coming here was a good idea.”
At this point I’m resisting the urge to laugh, and trying to maintain some professionalism.
“Could I ask you another question?”
“Of course you can.”
“I don’t have a penis for my husband’s mouth. What is he supposed to do?”
I am now counting backwards in my head to keep from laughing.
“Females can receive oral stimulation as well. Its just done differently.”
Her forehead is creased. I can tell she is thinking really hard about this concept. He just looks like a deer in headlights.
“How do people figure these things out?”
“I guess they just experiment until they find things they enjoy. You might start with something you are familiar with and build from that.”
She seemed to think about that for some time. She then drops this bomb on me.
“Well, my daddy used to spank me when I was bad. It always made me feel a bit aroused even though I don’t think it was supposed to.”
“Okay then.”
I didn’t really have anything to add to that.
Her husband has been slack jawed this whole time.
I excuse myself and as they leave the store I can overhear him asking, “You want me to try what?”
TL/DR: Interesting customers.


loki_smoke:

reagan4[1]
I worked a porn movie and sex toy shack for about a year. There were promos for staff to try and sell higher end toys. If you sold a bunch you got a bonus.
We all had different sales tactics… there was one super fancy vibrator I was hyping up. I had one (in the package) at the counter with a note saying “husband replacement unit”.
An old dad came in to get a stack of rentals. (thus dating how long ago this was) Pops looked at the sign, took the toy, and placed it on the floor. Arms on his sides looking down at it.
“Well, it doesn’t cut the fucking grass so I still have a job.”
Rentals on the house for a month.
God…. such a perfect job for a pervy slacker. Good times.


StaceyMS:
I am not a sex toy shop employee but I have the best story about sex toy shops. When I was in college there was a sex toy shop near campus. We will call it “Kevin’s Adult Video” and it was in a seedy area of town right by the intersection of two interstates and a Motel 6.
I lived with an eclectic bunch of roommates of which two were from India and one was from the Middle East. My then boyfriend (now husband) suggest that we bring the bunch to Kevin’s Video. I asked and to my surprise they agreed to go. The girls from India wore hoodies so they could look down and cover their face and hair in case they recognized someone. The Middle Easterner wore her hijab (head scarf) so only her eyes were shown. Somewhere in between browsing the “Barely Legal” and “Luxury Vibe” sections my man picked up some 3 foot long, 5 inches in diameter dildo and tucked it under his arm like a jousting rod whilst chasing all three women around the store where the only thing you could see were their eyes getting bigger and bigger and their screams. The store clerk was laughing so hard he fell on the ground.
Edit: Bonus additional inappropriate story time (I’m in a weird mood.) When I was in college I worked for a group home where women who had severe disabilities lived with other disabled women with 24 hour care. One Friday I asked them what they wanted to do that evening and one of the women replied “I REALLY want to see ‘Thunder From Down Under!’” (A male review.) I nodded and explained to my (new, inexperienced) colleague that it was their decision and since it was unanimous we should go. The bank tellers eyes when I rolled through the bank drive through with the giant handicapped van and asked for all ones was pretty priceless but I didn’t care. (Actually I used my own money for tickets.) And we rolled up. The women were ecstatic putting dollar bills down hot Australian g-strings being shaken on their wheelchairs was superfantastic. SO MUCH BOOTIE. Then, I took them to a bar downtown where we would have “shots” but it was always just mocktails that they were so thrilled about and the bartenders always had a ton of fun coming up with new ones. We rounded out the night at a 2 AM run at an Italian place that would puree their food at my request (luckily) and we were all exhausted and happy talking ad nauseam about the “Bachlorette Party” which was actually WAY more fun than my own bachlorette party. I miss my girls every day.


ColorOfSilence:

shack-29211280016930gtkz[1]
I was 19 and worked at this shack looking sex shop. Sketch central of town and if I didn’t get free shit and paid to be there I wouldn’t be. One evening I’m working with my buddy and I can here him talking to a familiar voice. It was a voice I tried recalling but all I could recall was that it was someone of influence to me. Well I automatically hide thinking it might be my dad and well… it wasn’t. It was my youth pastor from church. We locked eyes, my stomach drops, he goes pale and noped the fuck out.


someoneclever:
Not a sex toy shop anything, BUT when I was younger, my mom worked for an Avon-like company that sold sex toys and lube and what all. I have a few fun stories from that.
1) One day, my mom had to take my sister and I to one of the “parties” she was hosting at a woman’s house. We got bored pretty quickly and started walking around the house while my mom explained various devices and products. I was creepily standing in the doorway to the room where the party was occurring, waiting for my mom to turn around so I could ask her if I could have some of the rotel dip. I was probably 6-7 years old. One of the women sees me and goes bug eyed. My mom asks her what’s wrong and she points at me. My mom turns around holding a 3 foot long double headed dildo and screams at me to leave. I did.
2) There was a numbing cream that came from this company called “Like a virgin,” that my mother used on us for tooth pain and various other things that needed topical anesthesia. At one point, I went to pick up some fast food with an old family friend who was talking about her friend getting a tattoo. I piped up and said “My dad just got a tattoo. My mom put “like a virgin” on him before he went so it wouldn’t hurt as bad. The family friend was dying of laughter at this point and no one would explain to me why.
3) Less exciting, but there was a tingling balm for nipples called “bosom buddies” that we often used as plumping lip balm. The packaging wasn’t vulgar but the company style was very distinct. I pulled a jar of it out at school once. Hilarity ensued when my teacher asked me where I got it and I said my mom gave it to me. I asked her if she wanted some. She blushed super hard and told my principal I was using a sex product in class. He looked at it and asked her how she knew it was a sex product (it certainly didn’t look like one.) I’m guessing she had used it before.


Last but not least:

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Oriyagi:
My sister used to work at a classier sex shop. They got a lot of nurses in there from a nearby hospital so they always got to hear raunchy cases that came into the ER. My favorite one was this woman who wanted to try anal but her boyfriend wasn’t into the whole thing. She decided to try it herself and backed up onto a doorknob. Yes, you read that correctly. Now, picture a doorknob and think very carefully about the role of a sphincter… She got stuck and called the fire department who came down and cut a section of the door off. Apparently, she was brought in, stomach down on a gurney, with part of the door attached protruding from her ass to the ER. A few muscle relaxers and some lubrication later and she was out of there.


There are a ton of these stories over in the AskReddit thread, so if you want to keep reading and/or add your own story if you’ve got something to share. I’d like to be able to tell you that after all these stories I’m now more likely to spend time in a sex shop but that’s just not true. It’s not really in the cards for me, but if any of you out there have more stories like this I’m happy to keep reading!

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