Let’s be honest, walking a red carpet doesn’t exactly mean you’ve made it. As long as you’re hot, someone in Hollywood will invite you to walk. And if you dress slutty enough, you can win the night, even if no one knows your name. But that’s part of why red carpets are great, because there are so many hot people trying to make other hot people look less hot. That kind of competition is what ultimately makes people shine, to rise above the simply hot masses, and become one of the sexiest red carpet walkers of all time.

The Sexiest Red Carpet Looks of All Time, Rihanna
As with any good list, this one is totally subjective, and will be left up to my impeccable fashion taste. But I think we can all agree that nipples are a great look on everyone, and they should be more frequently displayed. I’m pretty sure Rihanna wouldn’t object. The thing I love third best about this photo, after the obvious first two, is the fact that this dress, made by Who F**king Cares, has been hand-stitched with 230,000 Swarovski crystals. Actually, never mind, I don’t see a one of them crystals.

Jamie Alexander
The Sexiest Red Carpet Looks of All Time
Nipples are one thing, well, two, but legs are a whole other genre when it comes to Red Carpet Looks, the capitalized kind. Jamie didn’t really show a lot of leg at the 2011 “Thor” premiere, as far as surface area goes, but she showed off plenty of perfect body-part connectivity. You really get a sense of the alluring whole below the gown designed by Who the F**k Knows? That she plays Lady Sif in the film, an Asgardian minx who fights like a hot wolverine — the animal, not the Jackman — only seals the deal. The God of Kink knows I love a woman in armor who can kick my ass.

Rose McGowan
The Sexiest Red Carpet Looks of All Time
At this outing, literally, Rose totally forgot her dress and was like, “Oh well, f**k it, let’s walk the carpet anyways Marylin.” The VMAs always bring out the finest of red carpet crowds, so if you’re really not famous, that’s a good place to get seen. In show biz, as in life, the more of you we see, the more we remember. That’s the mnemonic power of boobs. For example, I have not forgotten Rose McGowan’s name since I saw her on this memorable night, with her boobies all hanging out all over the place.

Jennifer Lopez
The Sexiest Red Carpet Looks of All Time, Jennifer Lopez
For my money, which isn’t much, J.Lo could easily occupy all the other spots on this list. She’s a Red Carpet Jedi. And this “WHO’s THAT?!” show-stopper from the 2000 Grammys is simply her best, most iconic (and revealing) look from nearly 20 years of list-worthy looks. I don’t like to use the phrase “brings it” when I’m not on the basketball court showing off my surprising burst; and saying “brings it” when I’m talking about glamor crap is even more discomfiting; but I got no other words for J.Lo’s reign atop the Red Carpet Realm; she just brings it, every time. Think about how many times you’ve been at work the morning after another awards show you didn’t see, only to realize you’ve just been staring at J.Lo’s near nakedness for way too long to be professionally acceptable. Seriously, J.Lo’s red carpet looks are why I now work from home.

Kristen Stewart
The Sexiest Red Carpet Looks of All Time
A lot of people bag on K-Stew (and people who use the term “K-Stew,” for that matter). They say she has Standing Bitch Face, which I personally find hot. But if you don’t find that look fetching, well, here’s a look at her panty line when she sparkled as Queen Tween of the 2012 “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2” Lingerie Party… I mean premiere. You keep wearing outfits like this K-Stew, and people will stop looking at your hot Standing Bitch Face.

Katy Perry
The Sexiest Red Carpet Looks of All Time, Katy Perry
This was a hard one, because unlike some of the others, K-Pair doesn’t have that one iconic look that sticks out in my mind. When I picture her, I just see two nebulous mounds of luscious bosom offset by indiscriminate shapes and colors. But when I imagined such, I knew, deep within my own chest, that Katy belongs on this list. So I searched tirelessly, and found her blue hair, dirty ice skater getup from the 2010 MTV Movie Awards, which is probably as close to iconic as it gets for her. Alas, when I saw the look above, from the 2013 Grammys, those mounds in my dreaming mind came into focus, and beams of light shone upon me, like Doctor Indiana Jones’ Map Room staff, and I bowed down, prostrate to the Fashion Gods.

Lil’ Kim
The Sexiest Red Carpet Looks of All Time, Lil Kim
Here’s the main reason I’ve been numbing my mind by tuning into the VMAs since 1999. You can see Lil’ Kim’s whole boob almost. Isn’t that great? Boob.

Selena Gomez
The Sexiest Red Carpet Looks of All Time, Selena Gomez
Um, are we even allowed to be looking at Selena in this photo from the 2013 VMAs? Selena was born in… hold on… 1992, so she would have turned 18 in… 2010… so yeah, we’re good. Actually, this is a year after “Spring Breakers,” when she was actively cultivating a more slutty look, so we got nothing to worry about. Ogle away, men! This is the same show that Miley took all the headlines and ruined Robin Thicke’s career in one fell swoop. I bet Selena was so pissed about all the attention Miley got, she went out and got a boob job the next day.

The Sexiest Red Carpet Looks of All Time, Beyonce
I love the Met Gala, not because I have any idea what the rich and famous do there, but because the NYC event seems to bring out risk takers, more so than your average awards show. And by risk taking, I mean those brave women baring it all for the sake of fashion. Few bare more, better than B. As far as New York royalty goes, Queen B reigns, a title she more than cemented by stealing the 2015 Carpet, a full hour after the last lowly celeb walked its plush, red span. Apparently, this was her second outfit of the night; after B saw what the other girls were wearing, she and King Hova turned the limo around so she could don something more stunning. A beautiful “Let Them Eat Cake” moment, and another fine example of competition advancing the adoration of skin!



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