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Sex. It’s generally aces. A fine time had by all (or, at the very least, one person). Unless, of course, something horrific happens that sends you to the ER with a unnaturally crooked dick. Then it’s not so great.

What else makes sex aces, other than the fact that a woman actually wants to exchange fluids with a scumbag like you, is all the different kinds of positions that offer all different kinds of genital sensations. Sex positions are like fingerprints, no two are the same and sometimes they can get you in a lot of trouble — like that aforementioned broken dick scenario.

But where do they rank? What position, in your opinion, reigns supreme?

The folks at Metro UK made a list, which I don’t completely agree with. Probably because it’s from a woman’s viewpoint and experiences in each position are obviously not the same for men or women. Immediately below, we have their list. I took the liberty of keeping a few explanations of positions that might not self-explanatory. I’m f*ckin’ thoughtful like that.

21. Anal

20. The X

Basically, he lies back and you lie back, your limbs form an X and you’re supposed to have sex like that. Good luck.

19. Wheelbarrow

18. Headrush

He lies on the floor with his legs on the bed and you attempt to finish him off before he blacks out.

17. Tea-bagging

16. Pretzel
A variation on missionary in which she slots one leg between yours and has the other on one side.

15. 69

14. Spoons

13. V

As in you lie down, he has your legs on his shoulders and away you go.

12. Cunnilingus

11. Standing

10. Reverse cowgirl

9. Lapdance

8. Face-sitting

7. Hand job

6. Cowgirl

5. Blow job

4. Tit wank

3. Missionary

2. Face to face

As in you both sit up and kiss passionately while you’re at it. Basically the definition of making love.

1. Doggy

Now that you’ve digested Metro’s list, here is my far more accurate list.

21. Tea-bagging

Why is tea-bagged ranked at 21, those of you who love having your balls gargled ask? Because having your balls sucked or even played with is not universally enjoyed. A lot of guys don’t want anything near their nutbag, especially teeth.

20. Face-sitting

Not the worst thing in the world, but one false move and you’re tongue deep in a grimy b-hole, which, coincidently, does happen to be the worst thing in the world.

19. Cunnilingus

This may be an unpopular placement, but I’d rather administer cunnilingus than get tea-bagged. You may disagree, and that’s perfectly fine. I came to terms with most people not having an opinion as good as mine years ago.

18. Hand job

Metro ranked getting a hand job seventh…SEVENTH! You’re a woman, why are you ranking whacking a guy off so high? What lead her to that preposterous ranking, I don’t know, but any guy worth his salt in the sack would rather jerk off by himself than have a girl do it. I would almost rather open-mouth kiss a girl’s stinkhole than get an HJ. Almost.

Note: Rub n’ Tugs notwithstanding; those angelic women are pros at milking a peen.

17. Standing

Looks fun in porn. Is exhausting in real life. I’m not trying to be a shaky-armed hero when I’m having sex. (I’m assuming that by “standing” they mean face-to-face, guy is holding girl’s legs in his arms.)

16. Tit wank
This is titty fucking, right? Yeah, still better than getting a handjob.

15. 69

Metro and I have ranked this the same, and that’s interesting, because they have cunnilingus and blowjob ranked higher than 69. Seems a bit off considering that 69 is basically the marriage of both positions. It’s the relationship position, because it’s ultimate compromise.

14. Blow job
I guess blow jobs are cool. But not as cool as actual sex. Unless we’re talking about standing sex, because that sucks.

13. The X
Yeah, this seems…tumultuous.

12. Headrush
Did you read the description above? “He lies on the floor with his legs on the bed and you attempt to finish him off before he blacks out.” Sex does not need to be this high stakes.

11. Spoons

Another one of those positions that looks better in porn. Probably feels better too, since those guys have the requisite monster dicks that it takes to really enjoy this one.

10. Wheelbarrow

This would rank much higher if the chick had a DustBuster in her hand and we could get some chores done.

9. Anal

I can see why a woman ranked this as 21st from Metro. It is a female equivalent of tea-bagging. Either they want it or they REALLY DON’T want it. There is no middle ground. For some guys, they wear this as an accomplishment; as a badge of “I fucked her in the ass” honor.

8. Face to face

Whoa there, Boyz II Men, I know you want to make love to me and all, and Face-to-Face has its place, for sure, but you would have to be a total psychopath to pull this out during every Tinder altercation.

7. Pretzel

A more structured version of the missionary position. While it doesn’t come across as awful (like standing, fuck standing) you’re locked up with not much room to freestyle. Also, this could be fatal if your hamstrings cramp up.

6. Reverse cowgirl

As much as I love looking at the back of a woman’s head (and I DO), this one is too reliant on the woman’s skill set.

5. Cowgirl

Please don’t break my dick. Please don’t break my dick. PLEASE DO NOT, WHATEVER YOU DO, BREAK MY PRECIOUS LITTLE DICK. Other than that never-ending thought, it’s ok.

4. Lap dance

You sit comfortably. She goes to town. Bonus points for being able to plant your feet in the ground and drive your legs.

3. V

It’s a fact of life that guys like hitting home runs and blasting long drives. The V is the sexual equivalent of that. Allows you to GO DEEP and really bury it.

2. Doggie

No real complaints about Doggie and it could easily be ranked #1 because it’s prettay, prettay good. But someone had to come in second place and it damn sure wasn’t going to be face-to-face. We’re men, we’re too lazy to pull that shit off on the reg.

1. Missionary

Old faithful. It requires more effort on a man’s part than a few other positions, but you like to have sex the way you live your life, in the mother fucking driver’s seat. Are you going to last tonight or cum at the speed of light? With missionary, it’s your choice. Well, sort of.

Someone Ranked The 21 Most Popular Sex Positions From Worst To First

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