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Ted Cruz Doppelganger Is Gonna Make Some Porn

LET’S START WITH THE INTERNET FRENZY:

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At best, Ted Cruz looks like the kind of guy you’d expect to catch peeking at you through the gaps between public bathroom stall doors. “I wasn’t watching you poo,” he explains, “I was just trying to see if someone was in there or not.” Surrrrreee you were. That’s why your pants are around your ankles and your dick is in your hand right?

However, that truly begs the question “How bad ugly can this guy possibly be if the A++ version of him is a closeted bathroom pervert?” Well today is your lucky day because for once I actually have an answer to my rhetorical question. At his worst, Ted Cruz looks like this:

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Yep, at Ted Cruz’s worst he looks like this chick on the Maury Show who was trying to figure out who the father of her child was. Politically, this is the antithesis of Ted Cruz – physically, they are either twins or Ted Cruz genuinely enjoys throwing on wigs and pretending he gives birth to children out of wedlock, which is still the antithesis of Ted Cruz.

And as I’m sure you expected, Twitter had an absolute field day with this:

NOW SHE WANTS TO DO PORN:

After 21-year-old Searcy Hayes appeared on “Maury,” viewers couldn’t help but notice she looked shockingly like presidential candidate Ted Cruz. And because we are incapable of looking at a fellow human being without wondering “what would that person look like naked and/or fucking?” porn streaming site Xhamster has offered Hayes $10,000 to shoot a six minute sex video.

Hayes and her boyfriend, 25-year-old Freddie Green, agreed to shoot the video, and they seem pretty excited about it. Green already has big plans. “We want to buy a truck, pay off our house and we might get married,” he told The Huffington Post. “I never had anyone say, ‘Here’s $10,000! Go make a sex tape.’”

Green also added “It’s kind of exciting and shocking to know she’s famous — she’s more famous than Madonna! I’m with a star.” I don’t want to rain on this dude’s parade, but I think he may be overstating the impact his recently memeified significant other has had on the planet.

A few things worth noting: 1) The reason these two were on “Maury” to begin with was because Green accused Searcy of cheating on him. She passed a lie-detector test and a DNA test proved that her son was indeed fathered by Green, so it’s nice that they got that cleared up.

2) Searcy claims she had never heard of Ted Cruz before all of this:

“I don’t know his positions and I’ve never seen him, so I don’t know if he’s done a good enough job to be reelected,” she told The Huffington Post.

When we pointed out that Cruz isn’t actually president, just a candidate, she said, “Well, yeah, I don’t know anything about him.”

This also seems to imply she’s unaware Barack Obama is still president. That’s pretty great.

Good for them. Gotta strike while the iron is hot.

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