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The 17 Essential Steps Of Watching Porn

Well, I know I’m the only one in the apartment, but what if one of my roommates snuck in during the five minutes I was on Facebook? Better check if they’re being creepily silent and hiding in the shower for some reason.

Lock the door, just in case

2.

This way, I’ll at least have some warning before anyone comes through the door. And I’ll be able to explain the locked door, which I never normally lock when I’m just hanging out at home, by saying “DEFINITELY WASN’T JACKING OFF IN CASE THAT’S WHAT YOU WERE THINKING.”

Open up an incognito tab

3.

Time to enter “MYSTERY SECRET NINJA HACKER MODE” by using this widely-known, commonly-used feature included in every browser owned by a major corporation. Pretty sure this is what “the darknet” is.

Lower the volume

4.

These walls are pretty thin – plus what if the NSA is listening in somehow and find out I’m watching porn? The NSA and/or my neighbors would definitely be the type to blackmail me, a person who has time to watch porn on a Wednesday afternoon.

Type in a weirdly specific porn thing

5.

No judgment here, but also I’m not sure what people consider weird, so I’m not super comfortable with providing examples, so I’ll play it safe and say something general like“extremely pregnant barely legal MILF DVDA anal hentai 1080p.”

Try to find the least virusladensounding site

6.

“SexxxGerbilJizzSplurt.ru”?

“CumBinXXXXXXXfreeXXXXlegal.novirus”?

Man, if only OH WAIT Pornhub exists nvm.

Check the volume again

7.

Whew, still off. That coulda been a close one. Not this time, NSA.

Click the link

8.

Hell yeah, time to do this. Really hope Heaven isn’t real so my dead grandparents can’t see me right now.

Immediately click off the three pop ups

9.

I’m ALREADY ON porn – why are you trying to sell me on DIFFERENT PORNS?

10.

Well, at least it downloaded something called “Real Actual Antivirus 2009 dot exe”. That should come in handy.

Immediately change the window size so you dont have to look at Brian Griffin having sex with Marge Simpson

11.

That’s so fucked up. Who gets off to that? Anyways, back to the normal thing I’m about to masturbate to, actual human beings having sex in a way that would be absolutely miserable in real life for both of them.

Open tabs for, like, 4 of the related video links, in case the video youre watching turns out to be weirdly bad

12.

Man, that camera man REALLY got those taint-area shots, huh? The Terrence Malick of taint shots, this guy. Also 65% positive? Not an encouraging rating. Although I’m not really sure what kind of people actually log in to porn sites to give positive or negative feedback on a video. Better open up literally every related video, since human sexuality on the internet has become a creepy version of Old Country Buffet.

Masturbate

13.

AKA “tricking your genitals into thinking they’re having sex.” Nothing like giving your dick/vagina the Punk’d treatmen

Immediately get disgusted with what youre watching and yourself and wonder why you wanted to seedo that14.

Oh god what am I doing? Why did I do that? I’m disgusting. Oh god this is so gross.

Close the incognito tabs immediately

15.

Gross gross gross get out of here porn tabs I NEVER WANTED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE ugggggggh

Delete your history just in case

16.

I know I was surfin’ the darknet (aka Incognito Mode) but…well, you can never be TOO careful. Really hope the NSA didn’t catch any of that, and that God isn’t real so my grandparents don’t know about my secret shame. I should take a shower.

Start to do something normal but then feel instantly weird and wait like 10 minutes

17.

Oh god, I can’t text my mom THIS soon after doing THAT. She’ll know. I don’t know how, but she’ll definitely know. Better just surf Facebook until I feel like masturbating again in 4 hours.

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The 17 Essential Steps Of Watching Porn

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