Men SEX The Best


A while ago, Chaostrophic posted an article about the best sexual positions for women, once again representing a time where the media ignored the needs of men. Come on, people. It’s the ’90s!

In order to rectify this travesty, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to rank the best sex positions from a male perspective. And before you get all “but a man’s favorite position is ‘yes,'” take into account that we’ve come a long way since men were painted as horny hound dogs looking for anything they could get. I mean, we have a man in the White House now. You’d think we’d be over that, too. We’ve got a long way to go.

18. Solo

Look, I know what I like, so if you want to go ahead and take a nap or watch Sex and the City or whatever, I think I’ve got this covered. It’s not ideal, but it’s also non not-ideal.

17. 69

Apparently, girls hate this. I’m not sure what’s not to love about having your nose make constant incidental conflict with somebody’s anus while you try not to buck and choke them by accident. Oh, yeah. 69 sucks. But it also doesn’t totally suck.

1 (tie). The butter churner

This one requires a lot of work, stamina, and positioning. It usually leads to some hot missionary. (Most of it does.)

1 (tie). Face to face

I kind of hate brushing my teeth, so this is likely better for me than it is for you.

1 (tie). Stacked up

Basically you both lay on your face, get it in, and wiggle. Remember when “planking” was the big thing on the internet? This is basically that. But with more fluids.

1 (tie). The narcoleptic

This is basically just girl on top, except I keep falling asleep. It’s really very relaxing.

1 (tie). The penitent man

I’m on one knees like Indy in that cave where the old knight was hording all that sweet Jesus wine. And you’re bucking around like Sallah stealing all those camels. So hot! Call me the monarch of the sea!

1 (tie). Spoons

I’m a big cuddler, and I’ve had more incidental sex by spooning naked than you can imagine. It just starts happening, and you have to go with it.

1 (tie). The crab walk

I saw this in Forgetting Sarah Marshall And The Excorcist. When I tried it, I threw my back out. I still finished, and it was incredible.

1 (tie). Legs over head

Yoga and Office Space references are a recipe for SPLOOSH!

1 (tie). Reverse cowgirl

The best part about this is how I just don’t really need to do anything.

1 (tie). Girl on top

The best part about this is how I just don’t really need to do anything. But if I do want to do something? Boobs!

1 (tie). The lap dance

No touching! Oh, wait. Yes, touching! And you don’t even have to pay for it. Unless… um, do I have to pay for this?

1 (tie). The wall squat

It’s like the lap dance (see below), but without the chair. It’s like gym class. Sexy gym class. Is that weird? I don’t want this to be weird.


1 (tie). The wheelbarrow

This is a really good position for when I forget to go to the gym, because it gives me a nice arm workout. Which is to say, I should go to the gym more so this isn’t so hard. Or do the wall-squat thing more. Is that weird?!

1 (tie). Missionary

Sometimes, you want a nice, plain peanut-butter sandwich. No jelly. Crusts cut off. That’s missionary. And it’s wonderful.

1 (tie). The Van Damme

She’s doing the splits on top of me, just like when Van Damme does the splits to avoid the taser in Timecop. Honestly, I usually have at least one JCVD vision mid coitus. This just makes me feel less weird about it.

1 (tie). Doggy style

To be perfectly honest, I’m more a fan of the Dogfather, but since no other Snoop albums have associated sex positions, this one’s pretty solid. Plus, since she’s not looking, it’s easy for me to check my Twitter.





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