The Classy Lady’s Guide To Being A 20th Century Sexpert

If you have a man…Congratulations! You’re halfway to becoming a bonafide, procreating member of society.
You can skip to Part 2.Don’t have a man yet? Proceed to Part 1 (if you can see through the tears).

Part 1: Get noticed

Messy hair? Un-stylish clothes? Bare face? No man will give you a second look with those three strikes flapping in the wind. To hook a man you must…

Strive to be the second sexiest girl in the room.

“Looking second sexiest gives you a couple of advantages. Especially over the girl who looks sexiest. That girl…is going to look slightly out of place. She’s going to make the boys feel slightly self-conscious about approaching her. Oh, they’re turned on by the way she looks, all right. But a guy looks at Irene and knows if he picks tonight to make-out with her, he’s going to go through a lot of ribbing all next week!” – How to Get a Teen-age Boy and What to do With Him When You Get Him, 1969

Don’t be caught dead without makeup.

“Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. His boring day may need a lift.” – A 1950’s home economics textbook intended for high school girls

But never let a date see you put it on. He can never know you don’t wake up that way.

Learn how to cook.

“THE HONEYMOON IS OVER; the die is cast. You and you only stand between your husband’s and your own starvation…Feeding a husband successfully starts with feeding him the things he likes to eat, for a clever bride cooks to please her man. She goes out of her way to keep mealtimes pleasant and comfortable….The menu itself should be thought out in advance to provide essetial nutrients, contrasting colors and textures, and the same element should not be repeated in two or more courses of the same meal.” – Happy Living! A Guidebook for Brides, 1965.

Use your legs wisely. You never know what they’ll say about you.

“Thanks to a unique study by clinical psychologist John A. Blazer, what was only a pleasant pastime is also a useful science. How a girl disposes her legs when seated can instantly signal your most effective approach. … According to Dr. Blazer, if a girl dangles one shoe, she’s a delightfully incurable flirt, a veritable study in come-hitherness. But keep cool — the girl doesn’t always intend to deliver. The Philanthropist [i.e., knees are four inches apart], however, digs talking and reading about sex and is apt to seek numerous love affairs, as she prefers constant sexual excitement.” – Playboy, 1960

Be wary of looking men directly in the eye. Unless you’re a floozie like Florence.

Maybe, probably, just sleep with your boss for practice.

In the 1960s, Helen Gurley Brown (one of Cosmo’s most influential editors) wrote a book called Sex and the Single Girl. In it she notes that the workday is a “marvelous time to sink into a man.” And while she writes that sleeping with the boss to get a head is “precarious,” she does think it’s a sure-fire way to increase productivity:

“A girl in love with her boss will knock herself out seven days a week and wish there were more days. Tough on her but fabulous for business!”

Part 2: Doing the deed.

OK now that you’ve gotten a man to put a ring on it, it’s CONSUMMATION time! If your parents did things right, you have absolutely no idea what to expect. So here’s our best advice…

Know your parts. But be ashamed of them.

“She should know the scientific names of her organs, not because there are many vulgar names as in the case of boys, but because dignified names help attitude. Ovaries, uterus (womb), vagina, Fallopian tubes, and vulva will be sufficient. Detailed description of the external organs (vulva) might arouse curiosity that leads to exploration and irritation.” – Sex-education: A Series of Lectures Concerning Knowledge of Sex in Its Relation to Human Life, ​1916

Make sure your hoo-hah is squeaky clean at all times.

“A man marries a woman because he loves her. So instead of blaming him if married love begins to cool, she should question herself. Is she truly trying to keep her husband and herself eager, happily married lovers? One most effective way to safeguard her dainty feminine allure is by practicing complete feminine hygiene as provided by vaginal douches with a scientifically correct preparation like Lysol.” – Advertisement, 1930s

If disinfectant isn’t enough, try this handy gadget.

Lawson’s vaginal washer. “Everything that needs to be said about Victorian-era understanding of female genitalia is right there in this spinning brass machine with a cartoonish crank on the side. Yes, those blades would whirl around when you cranked it. You know, to clean the vagina. There is a nozzle on the back where you can attach something to shoot in water or a bottle of some chemical with a name like Dr. Hallsworth’s Medicated Lady Parts Solvent.”

Undress correctly. If you’re dumb, take a class.

“Ex-burlesque stripper June St. Clair sexily undressing as a typical wife clumsily disrobes next to her during demonstration on how wives should undress in front of their husbands in the bedroom, for a class at the Allen Gilbert School of Undressing.” – LIFE Magazine, 1937

Pink panties are essential.

“That the underwear should be spotlessly clean goes without saying, but every woman should wear the best quality underwear that she can afford. And the color should be preferably pink. And lace and ruffles, I am sorry to say, add to the attractiveness of underwear, and are liked by the average man.” – Sex Today in Wedded Life, 1943

Would it kill you to create a little ambiance?

“Daub cologne or perfume in unexpected spots, such as the backs of your knees or inside your thighs.”

Don’t allow yourself to be deflowered all at once. Drag it out as long as possible.

“…a truly loving husband will proceed with the deflowering of his wife very slowly, sometimes taking up to a week of gentle introductions before a full connection is made.” – Sex Knowledge for Men, 1920

Faking it? You’re killing him.

“Wives must understand that the life-giving fluid called the semen, which is produced in the creative organs of the man, is of great value in the upbuilding of his own body…If, however, his desire alone is active and she is simply fulfilling a supposed wifely duty, she gives nothing to him, and he, therefore, suffers a definite loss in vitality. It is claimed by some that such one-sided intimacies are almost as harmful to the man as masturbation.” – Womanhood and Marriage, 1918

Never EVER try to make your fantasies a reality.

After a night of bliss, get up early and make him breakfast.

Hold hands to keep from cheating.

“Exquisite caresses are the strongest of love awakeners. The touch of a hand in passing is enough to make a delicious thrill! It starts the working of the magnet, and that is why continuous flirtations are so stupid.” – The Philosophy of Love, 1923

Caught him cheating anyway? Better just forgive and forget.

“But in case of an occasional lapse on the part of the husband—there a bit of advice may prove acceptable. And my advice would be: forgive and forget. Or still better—make believe that you know nothing. An occasional lapse from the straight path does not mean that he has ceased to love you. He may love you as much; he may love you a good deal more.” – Sex Today in Wedded Life, 1943

Part 3: Keep calm and massage on.

After a year or two, your husband’s interest might wane. You’ll probably have popped out a kid or two, at great cost to your figure, so you can’t really blame him.

Instead, seek alternatives (it’s for your health).

In the early 1900s, complaining of sexual frustration meant you suffered from a serious condition known as “female hysteria.” The solution? Visit your doctor for a medically induced “hysterical paroxysm. That’s a prescription orgasm delivered by ‘ole Doc Jones himself. According to some estimates, anywhere from half to three-quarters of an average physician’s business in the early 20th century consisted of these anti-hysteria hand-jobs.

Too busy for weekly visits? Take things into your own hands.

The Manipulator, invented by Dr. George Taylor in 1869. The world’s first and last steam-powered vibrator.
“Nervousness.” Suuure.
“It invigorates the system by bringing all the vital organs into inspiriting action.”
“Wonderfully quick and lasting results.” That face says it all.
Gee, what should we stimulate?

Now that your hysteria is under control, it’s time to settle in to domestic life. Pat yourself on the back. You’ve achieved everything a girl can hope for!

And above all else, remember: Your husband is the boss of you.

“The Number One Rule. Reverence Your Husband.—He sustains by God’s order in a position of dignity as head of a family, head of the woman. Any breaking down of this order indicates a mistake in the union, or a digression from duty.” – Searchlights on Health, The Science of Eugenics, 1920



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