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A 19-inch penis. Food that looked like a penis. A baby pig born with some kind of penis on its head. I’m telling you, 2015 was simply the “Year of the Penis.” Seriously, we ran somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 penis stories in 2015, but for the sake of your time and our sanity, we’re going to return to just 20 percent of them.

In no particular order, here are our choices for the top 10 penis stories of 2015. Hold on tight.

Chinese Woman Cuts Off Cheating Husband’s Penis … Twice
The Top 10 Penis Stories Of 2015
The year got off to one hell of a start for some poor bastard in China named Fan Lung when his wife found emails on her phone that he was sending to his side piece. When Fan turned in for the night, his wife seized the opportunity and sliced off his pecker. He was rushed to the hospital, where doctors were thankfully able to sew the little guy back on. But shortly thereafter, his wife once again gave his pork sword the old chop. She never got a third chance, though, because doctors couldn’t find Lung’s penis this time around, as it was likely eaten by a stray dog or cat.

Baby Pig Born With A Penis On His Head
The Top 10 Penis Stories Of 2015
Human beings give birth to dickheads all the time. Hell, my grandma birthed seven of them. But some poor piglet made headlines in 2015 because he was born with a penis literally growing out of his head. The good news was that this little pig was hung like a horse. The bad news, again, was that it was a huge penis that was growing out of his damn head.

British Man Born Without A Penis Says He’s Bagged More Than 100 Women
The Top 10 Penis Stories Of 2015
This was pretty much the exact opposite of a piglet being born with a dick on his head, as here we had a 39-year-old Stalybridge man telling the world that he was born without a penis, well, anywhere on his body. Andrew Wardle was born with the berries but no twig due to a condition that arose after he was born with his bladder on the outside of his body. Yet despite lacking a boomstick, Wardle claims that he has still managed to have sex with more than 100 women. Wardle got his own show on TLC titled “The Man Without A Penis,” and even better, a penis created by science that’s on the verge of working like any other man’s. In the meantime, I’ll continue to disagree with his definition of “having sex.”

Mexican Man Born With 19-inch Penis Says It Makes Him Handicapped
The Top 10 Penis Stories Of 2015
I believe Andrew Wardle would vehemently disagree with his assessment, but Roberto Esquivel Cabrera told reporters in August that his massive 19-inch dong was wrecking his life. Cabrera said his giant hog, which also boasts a circumference of damn near 10 inches, left him in a dismal state and unable to work. Although, we’re pretty sure if Cabrera gave Larry Flynt a call he’d have work right away.

Woman Sets Cheating Boyfriend’s Penis On Fire

I guess if you’re looking at this with a “glass half full” perspective, then, hey, at least she didn’t cut it off and allow it to be eaten by a stray dog or cat. Still, we can’t imagine many scenarios that would warrant taking a BBQ lighter to your boo’s giggle stick. But that’s exactly what happened to this dude after his girlfriend found out he was cheating on her. I get that he shouldn’t have been cheating on her, but, damn, lady, throw his Batman glass out of the window or something instead of lighting his manhood on fire.

Unlicensed Florida Surgeon Arrested For Mangling Man’s Penis
The Top 10 Penis Stories Of 2015
In what was perhaps the most disturbing story since Lil Wayne announced he was going to drop another record, a 55-year-old hairdresser in Florida wanted a bigger penis and that somehow led to him meeting Mark D. Schreiber in a warehouse for a “surgery.” Naturally, that warehouse operation went horribly wrong. According to the warrant, “the victim’s penis was now incredibly small, yet very swollen and the skin around the shaft had been removed and was raw. The victim stated that his penis had retracted so far that it protruded less than one inch from his body.” When the hairdresser reached out to Schreiber for the ol’ “what the hell?” conversation, the unlicensed surgeon told him it was all his fault for wanting a bigger penis. And that, kids, is pretty much the story of why Grandpa Mark won’t be with us this Christmas.

Irish Dude Snaps Penis While Having Sex With His Girlfriend
The Top 10 Penis Stories Of 2015
It’s sounds like Alan Parke was taking his girlfriend to pound town and then some earlier this year, since during the intense sexcapade, Parke literally broke his penis. “We were just having sex,” Parke said. “I was on the bottom and Clarissa was on top. All of a sudden I heard something snap. I’ve never known pain like this, it was absolutely excruciating. There’s no bone in there but I was still told it was a fracture. There was blood everywhere, I couldn’t control it.” Maybe it’s just me, but that’s exactly what I imagine sex with Hillary Clinton would be like.

Justin Bieber’s Penis And The Internet Reactions That Followed
The Top 10 Penis Stories Of 2015
The biggest story on the planet in October had nothing to do with what’s shaking in Syria. Actually, it was pretty much the exact opposite of that, as some pervert snapped a photo of a buck naked Justin Bieber while he was on vacation in Bora Bora. Bieb’s dick pic damn near broke the Internet, as millions of people took to Twitter and Facebook to comment on it, including Justin’s dad, who asked, “What do you feed that thing?” That’s actually pretty funny. And gross.

A Giant Penis Sprayed Confetti On People In An Effort To Promote Safe Sex
The Top 10 Penis Stories Of 2015
They say that Norwegians are some of the happiest people on the planet, so maybe that’s why they were able to just laugh it off when a giant foam penis ejaculated golden confetti onto their club sandwiches in an effort to promote wrapping it up before sexing her up. It was definitely a unique campaign, and we’re not knocking their creativity, but I’d personally be asking them to refund whatever I dropped on lunch because, let’s be honest, I’m no longer hungry.

Buffalo Chicken Finger Looks A Lot Like A Penis
The Top 10 Penis Stories Of 2015
And speaking of no longer having an appetite, either somebody at Tyson’s was extremely bored earlier this year or this is the biggest coincidence in the history of mankind. A Buffalo chicken tender that looks more like it could be Ernie from Sesame Street’s dick than an edible menu item? No thanks. I’ll have the salad this time around.



One reply on “THE TOP 10 PENIS STORIES OF 2015”

If served a “Buffalo Chicken Finger” like that, would you put it in your mouth?

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