The following incidents reflect that timeless Mark Twain quote all too well: “Politicians and diapers should be changed often, and for the same reason.”

Ted Cruz Tries to Kiss His Daughter

In January, while campaigning in Iowa, Ted Cruz tried to kiss his daughter Carolina, only to have her pull away and yelp like she was being attacked by rabid killer bees. He tried again, successfully laying one on her cheek as she recoiled. Cruz then meekly looked at the camera as if he knew it was going to be front-page news in the morning. What do you think guys? Creepier than Joe Biden’s kiss heard round the world?

Hillary Clinton Says She Keeps Hot Sauce in Her Purse to Appeal to Black Voters

Hillary Clinton was recently a guest on “The Breakfast Club,” a talk show on New York City’s hottest hip-hop channel 105.1 FM. The host asked her what’s one thing she carries with her at all times, and Clinton said, “Hot sauce.” Charlamagne Tha God — that’s his actual showbiz name — immediately called bullshit and asked her if she was pandering to black voters. Clinton replied, “Is it working?” She also boasted about once winning a game of dominoes in Harlem.

Craig Mazin, the Ghost of Ted Cruz’s Past
embarrassing moments for 2016 presidential candidates, craig mazin ted cruz
In 2013, The Daily Beast ran an article featuring Craig Mazin, Hollywood screenwriter and freshman college dorm roommate of Ted Cruz. Simply put, Mazin didn’t like him.

“My freshman year college roommate Ted Cruz is going to be elected Senator. In case I hadn’t made it clear, he’s also a huge asshole,” Mazin has tweeted. It’s not the best endorsement, given they cohabited in a tiny cell for one full year. He continued, “I remember very specifically that he had a book in Spanish and the title was ‘Was Karl Marx a Satanist?’ And I thought, who is this person?”

Mazin, writer of two “The Hangover” films and six other successful comedies, recently tweeted about Cruz’s support for a sex toy ban while he was senator of Texas: “Ted Cruz thinks people don’t have a right to ‘stimulate their genitals.’ I was his college roommate. This would be a new belief of his.” When asked what their chemistry was like alone in that Princeton dorm in 1988, Mazin said, “It was very chilly in there.”

Donald Trump Retweets a Picture Comparing Melania Trump to Heidi Cruz
embarrassing moments for 2016 presidential candidates, donald trump heidi cruz tweet
After a super-secret SuperPAC (mysteriously with the same mailing address as Carly Fiorina’s SuperPACs, much more mysterious now that Ted Cruz announced she would be his VP) unearthed compelling photography of Melania posing semi-nude for British GQ and questioning the appropriateness of having such a luscious set of T&A in the White House as a first lady, Trump assumed it was Ted. He got Twitter-happy and retweeted a photo comparing Heidi Cruz to Melania. Eventually realizing the severity of the insult, Trump apologized. It was his first time apologizing since entering the race.

Bernie Sanders Pens “The Most Economically Illiterate Tweet Ever”
embarrassing moments for 2016 presidential candidates, bernie sanders tweet
Bernie kvetched one day in October: “It makes no sense that students and their parents pay higher interest rates for college than they pay for car loans or housing mortgages.” To college kids with an 18th Century Turkish Poetry degree, the tweet seemed perfectly reasonable. To others, not so much. Legions of Twitter users took umbrage with the junior senator’s musing, explaining that student loans are unsecured with no collateral — unlike houses and cars. For example, banks aren’t going to be able to repossess your 18th Century Turkish Poetry degree given its intangibility. Thus, the high rates.

Hillary Clinton’s “Just Chillin’ in Cedar Rapids” Video

Bill Clinton could pull off cool. Hell, he could Snapchat himself with a cigar in one hand and an intern in the other and still win the popular vote. Hillary has realized the importance of digital media, and has taken to Snapchats and Emojis and interactive quizzes to engage her supporters. Last July, for example, while chilling in Cedar Rapids, she announced to the world via Snapchat that she was indeed just “chillin’ in Cedar Rapids.” Thanks, Hillary.

Ted Cruz Auditions for “The Simpsons”

Yes, it appears the man who once tried to outlaw dildos, vibrators and even the occasional butt plug has a humorous side. Buzzfeed reached out to Cruz in June to do a series of impressions after legendary voice actor Harry Shearer left “The Simpsons.” The result was nothing short of cringeworthy, and may God have mercy on our souls.

Donald Trump Reminisces on the 7/11 Terror Attacks

Donald Trump was in New York rallying troops for the New York primary when, in what was perhaps a Freudian slip, said 7/11 instead of 9/11. “I wrote this out, and it’s very close to my heart. Because I was down there and I watched our police and our firemen down at 7/11, down at the World Trade Center right after it came down. And I saw the greatest people I’ve ever seen in action,” he said. Donald, Islamic extremists don’t work at 7-Eleven, you bigot. Indians and Pakistanis do.

Hillary Clinton and Bill de Blasio Joke About “Colored People’s Time”

CPT, as it’s called on the streets, is a derogatory term which plays on the stereotype that black people are always late. On April 9 at the fundraising gala known as 2016 Inner Circle, Hillary, dressed in what appears to be an intergalactic space emperor’s suit, thanked NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio personally for endorsing her. “It took you long enough,” she said to lighthearted chortles in the audience.

But then the punchline from de Blasio brought the room down: “Sorry Hillary. I was running on CP time.” The audience audibly gasps, to which Hillary tried to redeem the situation with, “Cautious politician’s time.” You would think that someone who carries hot sauce in her purse and runs an underground street dominoes empire in Harlem would be a tad more tactful.

John Kasich Eats a Lot
embarrassing moments for 2016 presidential candidates, john kasich eats
It’s difficult to dig up dirt on John Kasich because I’ve never heard him speak. Perhaps wisely, Kasich stuffs his maw with pizza, pickles, spaghetti, sandwiches, ice cream, soup, bacon, and more pizza at press time to avoid embarrassing quotes or falling for dirty media tricks. Very smart, indeed, Kasich.

“He has a news conference all the time when he’s eating. I have never seen a human being eat in such a disgusting fashion.” -Donald J. Trump



If you watched “Lyin Ted’s” quitting speech last night, he layed a real nice elbow shot to his wifes head at the end. It was an awesome close.

Lyin’ Ted’s concession speech (which is traditionally an endorsement of the other party candidate) called Trump a “pathological liar”.

He all but said “I’m done, but please vote for someone who isn’t the party nominee.”

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