The Top 10 Reasons Why America Is Better Than Europe

The centuries-old debate rages on — who’s the coolest kid in school? The USA, or Europe? Everything is 100 percent true — these aren’t my opinions, these are just the facts. And before you get your panties all in a wad, yes, I am also going to write an article about why Europe is better than America. So unwad your panties and read this fire-hot truth about why America is better than Europe.

Free refills

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Free refills are almost unheard of outside of the US and they are amazing. I don’t buy a soda at a restaurant unless I know I want at least four. In the vast majority of the world, when you buy a drink you only get THAT drink. Free refills are Jesus’ blessing upon the United States of America.

Free public bathrooms

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I believe that bathrooms are a public right, and I would rather pee my pants than pay 50 cents to use a bathroom. If you’ve never left the United States, you might not even know that in some countries, it is almost impossible to find a free bathroom in public. In some countries, it costs a goddamned DOLLAR to take whiz. America is truly the land of freedom and opportunity (to use the toilet).


Our Diet Coke tastes better

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Europe has “Coke Light”. It is horrible. I don’t know what’s wrong with it, but it isn’t Diet Coke. Diet Coke is amazing. That’s all I know.


Less pressure to be skinny

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People always talk about how Americans are fat. But Europeans are always trying to lose weight and complaining about how they look. I’d rather be eating Oreos in booty shorts two sizes too small without a care in the world, thank you.


We have a cool flag

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Our flag is cool looking. That’s why we wave it all the time and flew to the moon just to plant it up there.


Less history to learn about

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European history goes on and on. This war and that war and this king and that plague. It’s just too much. American history is a few centuries old, you can learn it all in a couple weeks. White people tried to kill all the Indians. We had the Revolutionary War, chilled for a bit, then had the Civil War. We got involved in Europe’s sh*t a couple more times and then gave the world Britney Spears and Snoop Dogg. The end.


Our food is better

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Evil American scientists have figured out the exact ratios of fat, sugar, and salt that will make you want to eat our food until you puke. That’s how good it is. The world runs on Coca-Cola and McDonald’s for a reason (even though I’m a Burger King girl myself, their veggie burger is the bomb). American food is evil, and it is delicious.


Giant sizes

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Europeans believe in proportion, in finding something that’s not too small and not too big. Americans believe that BIGGER is BETTER and I’m an American so I believe it, too. Our stores are bigger, our cars are bigger, our small soda cups are the size of their large soda cups. Our country is also freaking massive. If judged purely on size, America is absolutely dominating.

Customer service

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Our customer service is, without a doubt, the friendliest in the world. And it is so, so nice to go into a store where everyone is nice to you. Good customer service brightens your entire day! I can go into Trader Joe’s all bummed out, have a nice little chat with my cashier, and suddenly I’m in a way better mood. When it comes to European customer service, the customer is NOT always right. In fact, the customer is probably an annoyance, taking time out of the employee’s busy day of eating Brie and smoking cigarettes.

Ranch Dressing

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Ranch dressing is quintessentially American, and it sets us apart from the rest of the world. What the heck else are you going to put on your salad AND dip some buffalo wings into? Béchamel sauce? I don’t think so! Ranch! Ranch!! Ranch!


The Top 10 Reasons Why America Is Better Than Europe


2 replies on “The Top 10 Reasons Why America Is Better Than Europe”

I was expecting the close to the post to be “America, Fuck Yeah!”

“Less pressure to be skinny”

Selective breeding pressures. Most American women are so fat I’m amazed they can get pregnant without a cow inseminator.

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