The Ultimate Guide To Orgasms: How To Significantly Improve Yours

So, you want to cum harder? That’s why you’re here and that’s why I’m working my way through my third hangover of the week, trying to make words happen.

Something went astray/never happened in your life and though you might be having a passable orgasm every once in a while, it’s not what you want – it’s not Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally… even though that was fake to prove a point, you’ve never made noises like that or made them happen.

Here’s what you need to do…

Get that Oxytocin flowing

Oxytocin is known as the love hormone and, especially for women, it can increase the intensity of one’s orgasm exponentially. A study went in to this and saw that people who had an oxytocin nasal spray used on them had more intense orgasms than those subjected to a placebo.

Now, it’s unlikely that you have vials of oxytocin lying around your bedroom, so the way you can get it flowing naturally are the typical lovey things that show your affection for one another, such as hugging, kissing, sensual heavy petting, massages… I assume.

Delay orgasms

You know when you’re having sex and someone says “I’m gonna come” or something to that effect, the other person hurries up in the hope that you can finish together? Don’t. Although finishing at the same time is a good thing, rushing to get it over and done with to please one person is a bad idea.

Orgasms are far better when they’ve been built up to and if you’ve got someone flopping around on top of you looking like they’re going to burst any second, just stop. Make them stop too. If you like, make them go down on you or something similar until their little bit of excitement has gone down enough for them to safely carry on.

Repeat until sufficiently pleased.

Have sex

There’s always the slight chance that, though you think you’re having sex, you’re actually not. This is a big problem in that seems to be happening in 2017 with people saying “my boyfriend and I were having sex last night but we’re having real trouble reaching orgasm,” and when you probe them into what they do, it turns out they’re just sitting on their bed, rubbing each other’s earlobes and making weird noises.

Google sex or watch some porn and do that.

Put a tea-towel up his arse

Totally not my idea, but Daisy’s.

Well I say Daisy’s, it’s actually her friend’s idea. Actually, it was the person that he had a one night stand with.

Basically, he was rutting away like the trooper he was, when the girl he was with put a tea towel up his arse. She then said to him “let me know when you’re about to come,” and when he did, she yanked the tea towel out and apparently it was the best orgasm of his life.

Now, I don’t know why he played ball and whether or not the un-lubed tea towel really tore his arse apart (maybe he’s a masochist??) but bear that in mind.

Find Jesus

The church is all about feeling good so maybe they know something that we don’t. Become a devout Christian and cum in the name of God. He’s bound to make it worth your while.


Apparently, the more testosterone in a man’s blood steam (or “T in your man blood” as a particularly hilarious insecure bodybuilding forum said) the more intense and powerful your orgasms are.

To raise the levels of testosterone in your blood, you’re expected to do active things like lifting some weights, going for a run or chopping down some big ol’ trees you bloody great big man, you.

So that’s how you come (I still haven’t decided whether I like “come” or “cum”) better.


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