(I couldn’t find facts, so this is what you get)

Meanwhile in Florida: Mother and Daughter Rig Homecoming Queen Election

It happened last year, in early November when a rigged election would forever change the lives of freedom-loving Americans. No, not that election, silly. We’re talking about the battle for homecoming queen at J.M. Tate High School outside Pensacola, Florida.

Something didn’t feel right when Emily Grover took home the crown that night. The jocks were shocked. The debate club began to argue. Even the nerds, huddled together behind the punchbowl, had to check their bifocals when they saw what had just unfolded before their eyes.

Before the dance was over, a rumor began spreading around school: The vote had been rigged.

The wave of gossip prompted school district election contractors to take a closer look at the tally. They quickly discovered 124 suspicious votes had been cast from the same IP address – a hundred more from another single location. School officials decided to launch a formal investigation, enlisting the help of local authorities.

It took investigators five months to crack the case. (Finally, the taxpayers of Florida had spent their money on something worthwhile.) Big surprise, the trail of flagged votes led straight to Emily Grover and her mom, Laura Carroll’s cell phone.

Turns out, as assistant principal of nearby Bellview Elementary School, Carroll had access to the online database of school district records. Sadly, all it took was a quick log-in and a few misplaced votes to steal the American dream.

But high school kids, as we all know, can smell bullshit a mile away. And when the wrong person wins homecoming queen, not only is it an assault on the very soul of America itself, it’s not fair to the popular girls.

Although authorities charged Emily (and her mom) with conspiracy and stripped her of the crown, we’re going to say it’s probably for the best. Because peaking in high school sucks no matter what your criminal-record-having mom tells you.

With any luck, Emily Grover’s fall from teenaged grace will lead to great things later in life. We wouldn’t be surprised if she makes a run for Congress someday, as we can all agree, Washington D.C. is the perfect place for someone with blind ambition to exercise all those hard feelings they still carry from prom night.

Two Day-Drinkers Found Themselves Stranded in the Ocean on an Air Mattress

If you’re anything like us, you enjoy tossing back a few wobbly pops from time to time. This is especially true on a hot, sunny, summer day. Add in a day spent floating on a raft with said brews and you have the makings of a perfect day. But have too much to drink and you might find yourself in a precarious situation if, perhaps, you end up drifting into a large body of water miles from shore. Sound like we’re being a little dramatic? Well, this is exactly what happened recently in Australia.

Two day-drinkers in Perth, Australia found out last week that it’s not safe to drink and float when the raft they were boozing on ended up way out into the Indian Ocean.

The whole ordeal began when Jackson Perry and Noah Palmer decided to enjoy some brews on a floating air mattress in the ocean. We can only assume that they already imbibed a few beers before climbing aboard because they didn’t bring a paddle or any way to return to shore if they drifted too far.

And drift they did. They were pushed more than two miles into the Indian Ocean by strong currents and winds. Add to that, the air mattress they decided to sit on was filled with holes and it was slowly sinking.

Lucky for them, they remembered to bring their cell phones. They called their perfectly-named friend Texas Reeks and he zoomed out on his jet ski to save the duo before they ended up lost at sea.

The moral of the story? If you’re going to day-drink on a floating air mattress in the ocean, bring a paddle, make sure it isn’t full of holes, and maybe just stick to drinking on the beach instead.

Science (!) Has Declared A Winner In The Battle Between Godzilla And Kong

Ah, finally, science (!) has decided to weigh in on the most important question of the modern era: who would win in a fight between Godzilla and King Kong? Sure, they’ve made an entire movie about it, but why watch a thrilling blockbuster when you can instead read scientific jargon? That’s what I thought.


Kiersten Formoso, a “functional morphologist” at the University of Southern California, has applied her vertebrate paleobiology and functional morphology knowledge (don’t worry, I’m not too sure what any of that means either) to the battle between Godzilla and Kong to try and determine a winner.

Breaking down the two titans based on their various attributes, Formoso points out that while Kong might have the advantage on land, Godzilla’s lizard-like abilities would prove to be too difficult a task for Kong to overcome.


Though Kong is a little bit smaller than Godzilla, both are more or less comparably massive in size and neither has a clear advantage here

Fighting Abilities:

Godzilla would likely favor his robust tail for both offense and defense – much like modern-day large lizards that use their strong tails as whips. Scale up that strength to Godzilla’s size, and that tail becomes a lethal weapon – which he has used before.

Skill on Land:

However, Kong is more comfortable on land, faster and more agile, can use his strong legs to jump, and possesses much stronger arms than Godzilla – Kong probably packs a walloping punch. And as an ape, Kong would also likely use tools to some degree and might even capitalize on his throwing ability.


Both would have a gnarly bite, with Kong likely getting a slight advantage. However, Godzilla’s bite is by no means weak, and all of his teeth are flesh-piercing, similar to crocodile and monitor lizard teeth.


On defense, Godzilla has the edge, with thick scaly skin and sharp spikes. He might even act like a porcupine, turning his back to a rapidly approaching threat. However, Kong’s superior agility on land should be able to offer him some protection as well.


I will admit I am #TeamGodzilla, but it’s very close. I may give a slight edge to Kong in broad terrestrial battle ability, but Godzilla’s general mass, defense and tail would be hard to overpower. And lest we forget, the tipping point for Godzilla is that he has atomic breath! Until researchers find evidence of a dinosaur or animal with something like that, though, I will have to reserve my scientific judgment. [via The Conversation]

The bottom line is essentially this: while Kong certainly has the tools to defeat Godzilla (especially in a battle on land), Godzilla’s combination of armor-like skin, pure size, and his vicious tail create a concoction ultimately too powerful for Kong to overcome.

Still, regardless of science’s opinion, I’m still riding with my boy Kong heading into the bout. You’re either a mammal or a lizard, and from what I hear on the internet, lizard people aren’t too hot in the streets these days, so come on and join the right side of history by rooting for the Eighth Wonder of the World. Kong in 7.

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