You know that scene in Billy Madison where Adam Sandler is talking about the things he wants to do with Veronica Vaughn in his bedroom, and he lists all sorts of weird objects? You know, a pitching wedge, some ice cubes, a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed?


That story is exactly like this, only this ends in death. From The New York Post:

A German man who allegedly killed his lover with a cucumber is now facing up to five years in the slammer.

Rica Varna died after Oliver Dietmann put the vegetable in her mouth — and left it there — after the two used it as a sex toy, the Daily Mail reported.

Dietmann, 46, who is on trial for negligent homicide, told the court in Mannheim that on July 19, 2014, he invited Varna, 46, to his place, where they downed four bottles of wine and several glasses of schnapps.

Dietmann admitted to putting the cucumber in her mouth. “But suddenly I saw there was smoke coming from the kitchen. I forgot that I had put a piece of meat on the stove for my dog,” he testified. “I ran to the kitchen, fed my dog and then went on to the balcony to smoke a cigarette.”

By the time he returned to the bedroom, Varna was unconscious.

Medical experts said Varna fell into a coma after the cucumber cut off her breathing.

“The defendant must have known that he should not have left her for so long on her own,” prosecutor Reinhard Hoffmann said.

Good god. So … a couple of things. First off, they were German, so this makes a great deal more sense. Second, she had to have been tied up, right? That’s the only way this makes sense.

But even still, this story doesn’t add up. Was he cooking the steak in the middle of the sexual romp? Otherwise, he would have had to put the steak on, get into whatever cucumber box stuffing mood they needed to be in to do this, do that whole process, put it in her mouth, then realize the steak was still on the stove.  That steak would have been burnt to a crisp.


(Full disclosure, I once overcooked the dick out of hot dogs while having sex. It was the most acrid smoke I’ve ever encountered. But we were just doing a regular quickie. Put the hot dogs on, fuck, eat the food. Not some elaborate, weird shit.)

I guess that’s my only question about it. Maybe it was delayed pleasure thing, where we would tease her a bit, leave, then come back. That would make sense.

According to Dietman, he “tried to get the cucumber pieces out of her mouth, but they were so mushy.”

A verdict is expected Friday.



Woman Dies In The Single Craziest Sex Story You’ve Ever Heard, Involving A Dog, A Cucumber, A Steak, And A Cigarette

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