womenmasterbatingWhatever happened to getting-off go-tos like humping a pillow or stuffed animal? Hell, even a trusty hand or vibrator is quite common these days. Nope! At least, not for some female Redditors who’ve taken, umm, creative liberties when it comes to masturbation.

In my quest to better understand the solo-sex habits of women, I sought out subjects who turn to offbeat items to orgasm. Self-pleasure away, ladies! Who am I to judge what turns you on? Trust me, I’m all about coming as often as possible. I’m just damn glad that Reddit doesn’t have a visual component. Wandering down the Reddit rabbit hole isn’t for the faint of heart. Praise the lard, but realistically, I’m never, ever going to stick a pork loin or frozen sausage in my pussy.

Here are 20 not-so-common items the women have used to masturbate:

1. Holy water blessed at the Vatican… then used as lube

The eighth deadly sin: orgasms shalt not be fueled by religious objects. Especially brought back from the holy city. By your aunt.

2. A beeper (in 1995)… down her pants

Remember how high-tech pagers seemed back in the ’90s? Redditor jLjbear went all the way.

3. A chef’s knife

“The handle of an 8″ French chef knife. I was careful (and dumb?)! I did it the first time alone, but when I found out the idea of it sort of turned me on, I encouraged my boyfriend at the time (and partners since) to bring daggers into the bedroom :O.” — RampagingKittens


4. Barbie’s appendages

“The legs of Barbie dolls. Long before I was old enough to figure out how to find porn, I acted out erotic stories with my Barbies.” — anarkitty

5. Ice cubes while driving

“I was in a car with no AC driving for 12 hours on the hottest, most humid day ever. Bought a bag of ice and drove with it on my lap — putting pieces in my mouth. Started putting them in my bra. Still hot. Started putting them in my vagina. Ahhh, much better.” —r4raccount

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6. Basically anything that fits in a hand or down pants

“Vacuum cleaner hose, hairbrushes, the leg of a chair that had fallen off. Once I got my PlayStation controller to glitch so it continuously vibrated and used that. Oh, and a revolver! That one was my favorite.” — philobug

7. Jacuzzi jets

“My sexual discovery phase all began with the jets in my parents’ Jacuzzi, I’d put my legs up over the side and go to bliss-land.” — watercracker

8. Real wood

“Anything with a wooden handle….PUT A CONDOM ON IT. It’s REALLY hard to get slivers out of your bajingo.” — fireandrice

9. A hammer

“At the time, the rubber grip seemed like a great idea. But after practical application, I realized that the rubber that covers a hammer is sincerely different for the rubber-like silicone that covers dildos. :(” —deleted

10. An electric toothbrush

“…and I still use it. Best, most inexpensive vibrator ever.” — tabihf

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11. A rolled-up magazine

Hello, paper cuts in the pussy! No thanks, Chapsticklover.

12. Not inserted, but the neck of a guitar

Well, that’s how OwlEyed made a guitar gently weep.

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13. Frozen sausage

Syllie chose to rise and shine for some breakfast magic — although, I’m pretty sure this isn’t what Jimmy Dean had in mind.

14. An “Answer Me Jesus”

“I have this pink plastic Answer Me Jesus, it’s like a Magic 8 ball but it’s in the shape of Jesus. I fucked his round, bumpy head.” — panicmo

15. Barbie’s main squeeze

“When I was about 9 or 10, I tried to insert my Ken doll (head first) into my vagina.” —mawkishhag

16. A Q-tip

“Once I masturbated with a Q-tip and orgasmed. Totally serious.” — preggohottie

17. The end of a lint roller

“I took off the sticky roll to be safe though.” — dellie44

18. Actual meat

“Pork loin, triple wrapped in condoms. I was single and in my early 20s with the libido that could crush all libidos. I hated the dildo I bought because it was really hard to the touch and those cyberskin ones were really expensive at the time. So I got creative, did the deed, came, and then threw the pork loin away in shame. Feel free to tag as pig fucker.” — CloakedWarBird

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19. Skates!

“Not really ‘in,’ but I used to masturbate with a rollerblade. I would just run the wheels up and down until I came… still haven’t had a comparable orgasm.” — Silvercumulus

20. A renaissance fair souvenir

“One of those hand dipped candles you make at the Renaissance festival.” —grangerdanger

OK, fess up ladies. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve used to get off? Leave your answer in the comments!


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