The following animals defy the laws of nature in the dick department. If you’re reading this site, odds are you’re packing mule meat. It just comes with the territory. But I also hate to break it to you, but your penis pales in comparison to that of a pig, or even a green sea turtle for that matter.


Argentine Lake Duck: 17 Inches
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The Guinness World Record for longest penis among birds belongs to the Argentine Lake Duck. The scientifically dubbed Oxygura vittata is known to extend its corkscrew-shaped appendage to “lasso” females. When it’s not flinging its ding-a-ling like Spider-Man shooting his web, it’s assumed the Argentine Lake Duck dangles its penis in the water like bait and tackle to attract small prey. At least it should.

Tapir: 19 Inches
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This jungle pig-horse is classified as endangered, which makes sense. Its penis is so big, one would think it impossible to escape predators with an inconvenient fifth leg. The tapir boasts a jaw-dropping 19 inches. Here you can see it using its penis to scratch its own back. Native to temperate regions in the southern hemisphere, the tapir has a “prehensile” penis that is used to grip and grasp females who would prefer not to limp for an entire afternoon.

Pig: 18 Inches
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Ever wonder where the term “hog” comes from? Curly and noodle-like, resembling its tail, the male pig has a notoriously impressive member. While 18 inches is the longest pig penis ever observed in nature, their genitalia usually hovers around the 9- to 12-inch range. Male pigs are also known to orgasm for up to 30 minutes, adding insult to injury if you’re a gilt.

Green Sea Turtle: 12 Inches
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The green sea turtle can weigh as much as 700 pounds. Much of that is due to its eye-popping turtle dong, which can grow to a highly respectable 12 inches. The Chelonia mydas is listed as endangered because it’s often the recipient of boat propeller bludgeonings; although, in theory, it’s possible for the green sea turtle penis to break cruise ship propellers if it gets entangled in them.

Walrus: 25 Inches
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Urban Dictionary defines “walrus penis” as a “greasy big choad-like penis with extra foreskin.” Accurate. Boasting the largest baculum (walrus boner) of any land mammal, their penis bones hide under 2,000 pounds of fat only to be unleashed when a voluptuous female is nearby. Behold, ye pee-pee voyeurs of the Internet, a walrus going to town on itself. As you can see, even they are capable of knowing when they’re up to naughty business. Look how ashamed it is.

In 2007, a four-foot baculum was sold for $8,000 at an auction. It came from a species of walrus that died out 12,000 years ago. Suffice it to say, the descendants of this primitive tusked sea cow got the lucky gene.

Banana Slug: 6-9 Inches
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The Latin name for the common banana slug, Ariolimax dilichophallus, literally translates to “long penis.” This gastropod’s pud is the same length as its body, however long it grows. Equally puzzling is that during sex, sometimes the penises of these slimy creatures get caught in the vagina, and the female chews it completely off, severing it for life. This is called apophallation.

Barnacle: 25-50 Inches
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There’s a reason why this immobile crustacean just sits there glued to a rock, needing not a job or a skillful pickup artist shtick. It has the largest penis in the animal kingdom proportional to its body size — a 50-to-1 ratio. It lets its noodle wave around in the sea like a lonely tentacle, and the female barnacle opens up its egg-bearing cavity to let it in. Even Charles Darwin thought it was hot, marveling at the sheer size of barnacle cock.

However, not all barnacles are equal. Take the Pacific gooseneck barnacle; its penis dwarfs in comparison. The only way it’s able to procreate is via a process called “spermcasting,” which involves casting its sperm into the salty sea and waiting for a female to catch it between her legs.

Hyena: 7 Inches
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Psyche. That’s a clitoris. The female hyena is more hung, more muscular, and as a result, more dominant than its male counterpart. The reason for this is an excess of prenatal hormone androgen given during pregnancy, which eventually creates what scientists call a female “pseudo-penis.” Female hyenas have to give poo, pee and birth through this one-inch canal. Baby hyenas are two pounds. No wonder they’re always pissed.


Silverback Gorilla: 1 Inch
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Gorillas are giant, marauding, nightmarish beasts that can break your legs like twigs. They also have baby dicks. In terms of evolution, there was never a need for the male gorilla to develop an impressive meat stick because females live in a harem and are given no choice on the matter. Baby dick or bust, basically.

Orangutan: 2 Inches
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There’s a reason why orangutans often have that sad, meek look on their faces. Like the gorilla, the orangutan isn’t working with much. Male orangutans are twice the size of female orangutans and are, thus, often the recipient of rape. The plus side? It’s only two inches.

Chimpanzee: 3 Inches
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The chimpanzee laughs at the gorilla behind its back. It snickers and points, boasting twice the size. Thelarger genitalia of the chimp is due to sperm competition. Female chimps are famously promiscuous, and they usually have more than three mates at a time. To commence the sex, the female puts her butt right up to the male chimp’s face and waits for it to get a huge, throbbing three-inch power tool.

Shrew: 0.2 Inches
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This rodent packs a pathetic 0.2 inches. Interesting to note that this mole-like animal, which is native to every continent on the planet besides Antarctica, has a penis only slightly larger than Bono’s.

Rooster: 0 Inches
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It’s ironic they call it a cock, because roosters ain’t got none. Like 97 percent of aviary creatures, roosters sport a different kind of genitalia called a “cloaca.” It’s a nub. A stub. A tiny stubby nub.

Hilariously, the process of mating involves the rooster getting behind the hen, placing its feet on her wings, holding her down and forcing her ass up. A little “cloacal kiss” transfers the sperm into the female cloaca. The rooster will then flap its wings in excitement, dismount and strut away like Mr. Big Stuff.


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