Approximately 99.9% of the Earth’s surface is not a restaurant. Yet despite overwhelming odds, it seems like most public breakups happen over a dinner table in some unfortunate establishment. It’s like dinner theater, except somehow sadder.

Servers have pretty much seen it all, which is why we polled a group of industry veterans about the weirdest and worst breakups they’ve ever witnessed. The names have been withheld. The crazy remains untouched.

The bombshell

“Not only is this the craziest breakup I’ve ever seen, it’s the most absurd thing in any restaurant I’ve ever seen. Actually it might be just the craziest thing I’ve seen, ever, period.

“This guy was having dinner with his family — wife, two kids, the whole works — and right in the middle, this woman comes in and walks right up to the table without saying a word to any staff. This woman is a mess. Her makeup was running. She was having a rough go of things. As soon as she got to the table, the husband’s face went as white as a ghost in Alaska. We all knew what was about to go down.

“Honestly I wish I could tell you exactly what was said, but it was such a commotion with everyone screaming and every single person in the restaurant — staff and customers — trying to check out the action that I didn’t catch a lot of the words being thrown around. But essentially, this woman had no idea her ‘boyfriend’ was ‘happily married’ and tracked him down to this restaurant to confront him in front of his wife and kids.

“The wife took the kids outside while the dude tried to calm the woman down. But the damage had pretty much been done. I’m not sure what the aftermath of all that was, but hopefully both ladies dumped the dude. Though I’m not sure this was the best way for it all to go down. I kind of just felt bad for the kids. Oh well.”

The bathroom bail-out

“This was like something straight out of a movie. This dude did not want to see his girlfriend again — I’m really not sure why. They got into a bit of a fight, not a big scene though. Then he went to the bathroom in the back and actually climbed out the window. None of us had ever seen anything like this. Now, our place is right alongside the beach, so he dropped right into the sand — like a 15ft drop — and just took off.

“And it’s not like this was a first date: They had probably been going out for a few months. After it happened the woman actually stuck around and talked to us because we were all (obviously) super-interested. This was the most extreme case of ghosting I’ve ever seen. He left her with the bill, too — but our manager comped her. So yeah, chivalry is not dead.”

The drink-face summit

“This wasn’t my table, but I was serving the guests right next to them, so I saw the whole thing go down. The second these two people sat down you could tell things were heated and definitely not OK. They kept doing that thing where they whisper so loud they were basically yelling. And then the guy must have said something horrible, because his voice dropped really, really low.

“Her expression went blank and in less than a second her drink went right into his face. It was one of those fruity martinis too, so it just turned his entire shirt this electric-green color. She booked it immediately. But he sat there and took it, waited for us to bring out their check, paid, and dipped. He was still dripping wet when he walked out to his car.”

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