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The Worst Sex Scenes In Gaming

Sex, by its very nature, is a pretty sexy business, but by and large developers have always struggled when it comes to depicting the physical act of lurve in video games. 

Even more recent efforts from otherwise excellent games such as The Witcher 3 look more ridiculous than anything else, even if the excellent writing has us invested in the emotional aspect of the relationship, there’s something odd and deeply un-erotic about watching 3D character models go at it.

With that in mind then, here are a few of the absolute worst attempts to depict sex in games. Obviously the videos – while all ridiculous – can still be considered NSFW by the average boss, so proceed with caution.

Ride To Hell Retribution

Ride to Hell Retribution doesn’t rest on the laurels of being a mind-numbingly awful game, but instead chooses to actively and aggressively pursue gaudiness at every turn – it really is a contender for the worst game of all time, making Superman 64 look like Ocarina of Time.

Trying to choose the worst thing about this hot mess of a game is tricky, but the laughably poor sex scenes have to be up there. You know how in movies a couple will have sex and keep at least some of their clothes on to keep things PG-13? That’s obviously weird, but in RtHR you can see our hero and his consorts indulge in fully clothed – yet clearly penetrative – sex.

Clearly the devs couldn’t be bothered to factor in nudity when they were making the character models, or maybe everyone in the game is secretly a Never Nude.

Just… stay away from Ride to Hell Retribution kids, it really is massively shit.

Hot Coffee (GTA)


Bit of an odd one this, given that Hot Coffee is technically a mod, but the saucy San Andreas mini-game was always hiding in the game’s files – it just took modders to coax out what Rockstar had hidden.

Without the mod enabled, all you’ll hear is main character CJ and his girlfriend getting up to sexy shenanigans, but you won’t see anything. However, Hot Coffee let’s you not only see the deed, but actively control it in the same way players would make CJ dance.

Given the PS2 era graphics and the fact that once again, both characters remain strangely fully clothed, the whole thing is about as erotic as a hurried crap in a service station cafe.

Rockstar claimed that they never had any part in the making of this mini-game, but plenty of modders have found evidence to support the fact that Hot Coffee was always tucked away in the game’s files somewhere.

The Witcher

The Witcher 3 is probably the closest we’ve gotten to video game sex that isn’t entirely cringey and hard to sit through, but the original Witcher is an entirely different story, if only because the technology wasn’t exactly up to snuff at that point.

So, in Witcher 3 ‘romance’ will usually culminate in a steamy cut scene. In The Witcher, you get a hazy red closeup of Geralt leaning in suggestively and then collect something called a Romance Card, which is basically the Witcher equivalent of a nude of the lady you just bedded. Tasteful stuff.

Of course, when most of us pick up a Witcher game it’s not long before we’re working out who we can and can’t screw, but it’s a little weird that with the first game, we’re encouraged to ‘collect ’em all’.

Seaman

Seaman is a fucking weird game, okay? You’re tasked with looking after a tank full of weird fish creatures, and the whole thing is narrated by the late, great Leonard Nimoy.

The most horrific part, however, comes when two of your seamen (hehe) decide to reproduce. We’re treated to an uncomfortably long scene in which the two lovers connect their tube-things and some kind of liquid or… something (I don’t fucking know, the whole thing defies description) transfers between the two.

When its done, the fish on top simply dies and floats to the top of the tank. As we all do after sex, right?

Without a doubt, the freakish human faces contorted in some kind of fishy ecstasy are the worst part of the Seaman sex scenes.

Fahrenheit

There’s one scene in particular I have to single out from the interactive drama/adventure game Fahrenheit, and it’s one that tries so hard to be sincere and sensual that you can’t help but feel sorry for it.

We’re treated to a little bit of musical foreplay as we enter a brief Guitar Hero style minigame in a bid to impress our lady friend – proof if any were needed that apparently men only learn to play guitar for one reason.

Shred that fretboard with enough confidence, and you’re treated to an unintentionally hilarious sex scene that might have worked if it were real people – but lumps of polygons doing the dirty while Theory of a Deadman play in the background just screams of trying way too hard.

To be honest, Theory of a Deadman usually reek of trying too hard anyway, so maybe the fault lies with the choice of music more than anything else.

Fable 2

There’s nothing inherently bad about the sex scenes in Fable 2. In fact, it’s all pretty in keeping with the general light-heartedness of the game.

After you’ve put time and effort in to wooing a lady, you’re invited to take them to bed, at which point the game fades to black and you hear something along the lines of ‘ooh, saucy’ in a West country accent. But it isn’t saucy. It isn’t saucy at all.

It doesn’t help that your dog will literally pull up condoms from beneath the ground for you to use, which seems… odd, and you can bang multiple women in the same village – that’s just bad manners, frankly.

Still, Lionhead did teach us the importance of prophylactics, lest we be subjected to dozens of little adventurers running around the homestead.

The Sims 2

The Sims 2 is a game for all the family, so of course it would be a bit weird to have virtual versions of yourselves and your friends rutting in blistering graphic detail.

Having said that, the fact that nine times out of ten you will have based your Sims on people you know is what makes it deeply weird, graphic sex or no. It doesn’t help that when you conceive a child, you’re greeted with a terrifying baby noise. The miracle of life, eh?

In fact, the entire act of Sims sex is deeply un-sexual thanks to the noises your creations make. It’s one thing not to see what’s going on under the covers, but when it sounds like an explosion at a cartoon characters and fireworks convention, ignorance is very much bliss.

Heavy Rain

I hate quick time events at the best of times (I think they’re really fucking lazy), but under no circumstances should there be a sex QTE. Enter Heavy Rain.

It’s bad enough that this particular sex scene feels pretty forced in terms of the story, but if this kind of thing does float your boat (again, I’m not here to judge) then having to keep your wits about you for precise button actions will certainly take you out of the moment.

Of course, it would have been much funnier if missing certain prompts during sex led to dire consequences, such as premature ejaculation, or accidentally shitting yourself during foreplay. Missed opportunity.

Far Cry 3 Alternate Ending


Here’s an odd one, and one that apparently ticks a lot of boxes for some gamers which is… well, I’m not here to judge anyone’s kinks, but it’s a touch unconventional.

At the end of Far Cry 3 you can choose to impress attractive tribal drug addict Citra by slitting your girlfriend’s throat.

Making this terrifyingly dark moral choice rewards you with an intense POV sex scene that could still be considered kind of sexy if you can ignore the fact you butchered your boo just to see some boobs, but it takes an even darker turn when, as soon as your character reaches… completion, you’re stabbed in the chest and left to bleed out on a sacrificial altar.

If there’s a lesson in here, it’s that you shouldn’t murder your girlfriend to impress a girl you just met. Thanks, Ubisoft.

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